The Only Child Option

What do you say when your only child asks why?  Is there a way to prevent your only child from asking that question in the first place - or at least being so focused that they ask over and over?

Young children think they are the center of the universe…in a way they are.  Their needs are met by their parents unequivocally.  They do not hold jobs, they have have a roof over their heads, clothing on their backs, a room to sleep in that is their own, etc.  So it follows that their reality is THE reality.  As long as their reality is a pleasant one, many won’t question it.  Make sure that your child is secure in their oneness.  But how do you do that?

One key is for you to be secure in their oneness (or at least in their eyes).  Singletons who live in a home where the parents are satisfied with 1 child are more likely to be satisfied being an only child themselves.  Singletons who live in a home with parents who are vocal about their desire to have more children, are more likely to be dissatisfied being alone and to question the reason(s).  If you are still considering whether to more children, keep the decision-making process between you and your spouse.  Don’t involve the child or let them overhear you talking about it.

Another key is to refrain from placing all your “needs” on them. Whatever you do, don’t tell your child that since they are the only child, they have to meet your needs for closeness, time and attention, etc.  Children are not equipped to handle this type of responsibility and it will make them resent the fact that they don’t have a sibling with whom to share the burden.  They are more likely to ask why they don’t have siblings when it is uncomfortable for them to be an only child.

So what do you say when they DO ask?  …and they will ask. First, consider the age of the child.  A 4-year old does not need to be told the nuances of fertility treatments or the expense of having multiple children.  Nor do they need to know that your temperament doesn’t lend itself to a large family.  Simply tell them that mommy and daddy decided the best option for your family is 1 child and that you are happy with your decision.  An older child with questions may be able to understand the details, but in either case, be sure to outline several positive characteristics of an only child family.

by K.R. Pinkston

“Why do you only have one child? Don’t you know that only children have it harder?”

These questions from neighbors and well-meaning friends hurt. They don’t know that I have kept the manufacturers of pregnancy tests in business over the past years.

Nevertheless, I do not blame them. After all, my friend from elementary school is an only child, and I remember that I pitied and, at times, envied her. The adults around me pointed out that all single children are selfish, socially inept and spoiled. I took these stereotypical beliefs with me into adulthood, not knowing that my way of thinking would be tested.

After we got married, we did not have children right away. I needed to get used to the military way of life, and I wanted to finish my degree before we embarked on the long road of parenthood. That road started with the birth of our son.

I loved being a stay-at-home mother. In retrospect, I do not know exactly why we did not try to have a second child soon afterward.  Maybe I thought that we could not handle the upcoming move to an overseas duty station with two little ones. Why rush? After all, we had plenty of time to expand our family of three.

September 11, 2001 changed our lives. My husband’s frequent training, trips and long days cut our family time. Like many other military spouses I had become a single mother overnight. We talked about having another child. Soon. Not now, when everything was so busy and so uncertain. We would wait a few more months. No hurry.

This wait turned into years. After an unexpected 14-months deployment, he reported for another duty station far away from us. During that time he found out that he had contracted tuberculosis. Not contagious; yet, he needed to take medications. When we finally lived together again, it was summer of 2004. Now we would have our second, and maybe a third, child.

But it did not happen. Some doctors blamed his medications.

“Just relax,” another doctor told us. “You’ve been pregnant before, and your body knows what to do.”

After another move, we tried fertility drugs. No second child. The doctors blamed our age. What I did not tell the doctors was that I blamed myself. Why had we not tried to have another child before 2001? Why had we waited? We so much longed for another child. What had we done to deserve this?

We missed our opportunity to have another child. Now we would have a selfish, socially inept and spoiled only child.

“Why don’t I have a brother or sister? Why am I by myself?” Our son wanted to know.

I was honest with him, explaining every time that we had wanted to have other children. When he was in second grade, he came home one day, saying that he was the only child in the class who did not have a sibling.
“I’m sorry,” I said, swallowing hard to push down the feeling of inadequacy. “I wish I could change it.”

He shook his head. “Well, don’t. It’s fine. Really. Because you can cuddle up with me every night and read a book together. Makayla said her mom never reads with her at night because it wakes up the twins.”

That exchange forced me to look at the facts. I had focused only on the negative aspects and forgotten that raising a single child has many advantages. It was time I changed my perspective.

This did not happen overnight. Each day I worked at seeing opportunities rather than misfortune. One advantage of having a single child is that I have time to talk with him and share a variety of activities without interruption from other siblings. Sure, he lacks the companionship of another sibling; yet, his friends make up for it. Contrary to my stereotypical beliefs and fears, our son turned out to be very social, extroverted and happy.  Also, when he is at home he has learned to occupy himself.

A few days ago, we went together to Rome. Perhaps this would be an example of spoiling our only child, but I see it as taking advantage of being stationed overseas and expanding his education. The same is true for extra curriculum activities. Since I do not have other kids to drive to different sports or activities, he can pick and choose according to his special interests.

Yes, I wanted to have a second child, but I cannot change our past decisions, let alone world events.  It is no good to lament over the past. Everything happens for a reason even if it took me a long while to understand that reason. Although we missed the opportunity to have another child, I do not want to miss the opportunity to raise our single child in a loving family – even if our family is small. I am more grateful now, and I also do not take blessings for granted.  I am thankful that we have one healthy child who keeps me on my toes. Raising a single child is a gift.

by Karen Wilson-Dooley

This week, I will turn 49 years old – just one year shy of the big 5-0! My one-and-only child Andrea will turn 29 a week later, and next year she will also observe a milestone birthday. I imagine that we will either join together to celebrate life or commiserate with each other on growing older. It’s always at this time of year that I reflect back to 1980 when I prepared to give birth to what I hoped to be my first of two children.

As fate would have it, or what I personally refer to as God’s Will for my life, I was blessed with only one child. I was not always happy with God’s choice in the matter, but it took me years to realize that God ‘really’ did know what He was doing.

My husband and I, like the average American couple, planned on having at least two children. As a matter of fact, we tried for five years to bring another life into this world. That dream was snuffed out when I turned 26 years old. I was at work one day when I began to hemorrhage. After a quick trip to the emergency room and a D&C to try and stop the bleeding, my gynecologist rendered a diagnosis of endometrial hyperplasia, a condition in which the lining of the uterus thickens and eventually sheds, causing vaginal bleeding to occur. It can potentially be a precursor to cancer in some women.

I was overweight, diabetic, did not have regular menstrual periods, and suffered from polycystic ovary syndrome – all of which led to this condition. The doctor also found pre-cancerous tumors on the cervix and advised that a hysterectomy was the only option at the time. The hemorrhaging could not be brought under control and surgery was scheduled to take place rather quickly, allowing no time to think or adjust to the idea of what was happening to me.

As a 26-year-old wife and mother of one, who longed for another child, it was just as much – or even more – mentally traumatizing as it was physically distressing to face having my womb removed from my body. I was suddenly hit with the stark reality of finality – the fact that I would never again conceive and give birth to another child – my second of two that would complete our family. At this time, my small family was complete. We had come as far as we ever would in number in only six short years of marriage.

I felt great physically following surgery, but I slipped into depression and grieved for several years over the loss of having another child. This all took place when my circle of friends and family were regularly adding children to their households. At a time when I should have been happy for them, I was jealous and felt sorry for myself. I even grew bitter at God, wondering why He chose to cast this terrible curse on me.

No one really understood me – they could not possibly know how I felt because they were not going through the same thing. Even my husband did not understand. He actually admitted that he was relieved. That certainly did not help me through the grief process. I resented him for his honesty.

I was able to work through the mental healing process as time passed. I cannot say that anything miraculous happened that led me to accept the situation. There was no epiphany of what God had in store for my life. I simply believe that through prayer and determination to move forward with my life that I began to heal and realize that God had a reason for this, as well as a plan for my future. It was not my choice to raise an only child, but it was my choice to be happy with God’s decision for my life. Somewhere in the midst of my sadness, anger, and self-pity, I hit a turning point and never looked back.

As Andrea grew up, I filled my time with things that I enjoyed and quickly saw my situation as an advantage over my friends and family who had babies and toddlers under foot restricting them in ways that I was not. Having an only child suddenly became a positive aspect in my life – and even more so as time passed. Once Andrea started school, I was able to pursue my career and personal interests, work on my education, and start my own company – things I may have otherwise never been able to do.

I became very involved in Andrea’s life early on – school, cheerleading, church activities, and other events. Opportunities opened up for her as an only child to do more with her own life, as well. We actually grew up together – she, her dad, and I. Looking back over the years, I recall that although she was an only child, she was rarely ever alone. Our home was always filled with her friends and cousins – and music and laughter. We never took a trip that Andrea did not take a companion along. It was more like having a pool of sisters to select from – another advantage for an only child.

As an adult, Andrea’s life is overflowing with activities, fun, and challenges with young men and women she considers to be her brothers and sisters – and all of whom refer to Larry and me as mom and dad. While I did not give birth to more than one child, I find my life is now filled with more grown kids than I know what to do with! I am truly blessed!

Karen Wilson-Dooley is an accomplished freelance writer and businesswoman who divides her professional time between creating marketing content for businesses, crafting resumes for individuals, and developing her creative writing career through a variety of online and offline publications. In addition, Karen is a wife, mother, and artist who enjoys quilting, sewing, beading, and scrapbooking. Contact Karen at kwdooley@comcast.net.

Our friends at My Precious Kid have done it again!  They have collected free shipping offers from a number of online retailers and posted them for the convenience of their customers.  Now you can benefit too!  Here is the link:

http://www.mypreciouskid.com/cyber-monday-free-ship.html

Tell them Alicia at Only Child Option sent you! : )

Shopping with your child or children can be less than enjoyable.  The online superhighway enables us to “shop from our seat, not our feet”.  Black Friday is traditionally a big shopping day and signals the beginning of the Christmas shopping season.  My friends at My Precious Kid have collected a TON of Black Friday coupon codes at:

http://www.mypreciouskid.com/black-friday.html

Since most Black Friday coupon codes last through the weekend, there is no need to stand in line at 12 midnight or 5 am just to find out that “thing-we-had-to-have” is sold out.  Let’s go shopping online and save gas while we are at it!

Black Friday coupon codes and sales prices for the big box stores can be found at:

http://www.black-friday.net

My writing on only-child parenting is influenced by personal experience and 2 books I have read.  I highly recommend both of them:

Parenting an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only by Susan Newman Ph.D. Susan also writes for Psychology Today in her Singletons blog.

You and Your Only Child: The Joys, Myths, and Challenges of Raising an Only Child by Patricia Nachman Ph.D. with Andrea Thompson

If you have any other resources you would like to recommend, please don’t hesitate to contact me!

I received an email a few months ago from Alan, an adult only child, who felt my presentation of only child parenting was incomplete.  While I personally feel that having an only child is the best thing for my family and can be a GOOD thing for any family, I do acknowledge that there are important things to keep in mind as you raise an only child.

Here are some only-child stereotypes from the perspective of an only child:

1. Spoiled - this can be a natural consequence for any only child. They do, by definition, get all the goodies - presents, holidays, the lot. I know I benefited greatly from this; I’ve had private tutors when I needed them, I had relatively few restrictions on what books, computers and gadgets I could have, and I have been to over half a dozen countries.  I have since learned that these are privileges, not rights and I feel guilty for being greedy at times.
2. Can’t share - the absence of sharing can be fundamental to the only-child experience. To put it bluntly, children with siblings learn how to share out of necessity. When you have siblings, you can’t take it for grated that your things will be left untouched when you’re away. Having playmates does not always accomplish the same thing since you can seek the refuge of home where you don’t have to share.
3. Overprotected - only children get more attention and protection because their parents’ attention is not divided. Siblings learn how argue, push, shove, and fight in a safe environment.
4. Domineering - only children never experience living with other individuals of equivalent power.  They don’t have the opportunity to test the limits of their control in a safe environment.
5. Lonely - the most painful part of being an only child for me is that all my parents expectations, dreams, and desires are resting on my shoulders.  As a only child you can feel like an outsider, especially during holidays.
6. Self centered - all babies think they’re the center of the universe. When you have siblings you realize at an early age that there are other people on your level. If parents don’t make an effort to help an only child understand there are others who must be considered, the shock can be significant.

From the perspective of an only child, here are some things I think that can improve the only child experience:

1. LET YOUR KID BE A KID! Through circumstances outside my parents control I had to take charge and be responsible at a very early age.  This meant I didn’t have the opportunity to be a kid during my childhood and teenage years.  Do everything possible to allow your child to ‘hang out’ with kids their own age - both sexes - even if you feel like you’re running a free child-minding service.
2. Never tell your child what occupation they should choose. Your child has enough pressure without feeling like they have to choose the career you picked for them.  Thank God my parents didn’t expect me to become a lawyer or doctor or I’d have jumped off a building a long time ago.
3. Never tell your child when they are small the reason you didn’t have more children is because of a difficult pregnancy.  The guilt will crush them. (My father held off telling me until I was 15 that the reason I didn’t have siblings was that my mother had two miscarriages before having me.)
4. I’m torn right now about the single-sex schools which I attended.  Granted, I did learn more academically, but I never learned how to interact with girls which I’m trying desperately to learn now.
5. Get decent life and disability insurance and let your child know as soon as they can understand what this means. There is no worse fear for an only child then the prospect of having to care for a sick or dying parent on their own. My own parents worry me enormously. I knew very early in life that if anything were to happen to either of my parents everything would come down to me. The fear of being unable to take care of them gives me a very low tolerance for risk.

I know my comments seem harsh, but I don’t think I will never be ‘normal’ as a result of being an only child. I don’t entirely blame my parents, but if I could turn back time and have a little sister I would do it in a flash.

Thank you for your input, Alan.  As I said above, I truly feel that in today’s society, we can raise healthy, happy only children that will benefit greatly from being singletons.

This story was submitted by one of my customers at Beaded Royalty, Catherine Filbeck.  Thanks Catherine!

As a mother of an only child (my son is 17) I have to say that I agree with everything on this website - especially the mythbusters. My son is extremely social (not the least bit shy), gets along fine with everyone, and he never had an imaginary friend (although I did and I had a brother). I think some of the stereotypes that are associated with only children are more of a personality issue than having anything to do with being an only child. He is a bit spoiled but that is no one’s fault but my own - that’s an environmental issue. You can have a house full of spoiled children. He does seem a bit domineering at times - but again, is that a personality issue? I prefer to see it as natural leadership abilities that will aid him later in life.

My son has two friends that are only children and their personalities are completely different - one is somewhat shy and introverted, the other one is completely diplomatic & very friendly- he is always the peacemaker among the group and he is very self confident and not the least bit swayed by peer pressure. I am noting this to further illustrate the fact that all children are different, with different personalities, upbringing, etc. It’s ridiculous to me when people try to stereotype children according to whether they are only children or not.

Whatever the case, people should never be motivated by guilt to have another child. I was forever being asked if I was going to have another one with some people even telling me how wrong I was for only having one. They were wrong. My son and I have always been very close and at the same time he is very independent. He told me one thing he has always been assured of is how much I love him. He also said that assurance has gotten him through some tough times. It’s just like that song they always play at graduations that makes me cry - “let my love give you roots and help you find your wings”. That’s our job as a parent - to give them a strong foundation and let them become who they are meant to be. That will happen regardless of how many you have if you are a dedicated parent. For me however, I found I had more to give (of everything) by only having one. I have NEVER regretted having only one - honestly!

I have been enjoying a wonderful resource for a while now and thought I would share it with the rest of my readers.  It is a website called Families with Purpose.  It was founded in 2003 by parents struggling to create a nurturing family life while balancing the demands of everyday life.  It is dedicated to helping all those busy families find time for the little things in life.

Well, I would have to say they have been successful in staying true to their mission.  I have many of their products including the Family Getaways Organizer, the Weekly Meal Planner, and the Mom’s Plan It ListMaker.  Each of these items have become invaluable tools in my everyday life.  I also have a Mom’s Family Desk Planner that I can’t live without.  It keeps my lists and daily activities and appointments in the same place.  It lives on my desk and if I lose it, I am in big trouble!

Polly Schlafhauser also writes a blog that I enjoy immensely called Our Busy Family Life.  So go check it out!

WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN’T LOOKING

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you hang my
first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately
wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you feed a
stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind
to animals.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you make my
favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little
things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I heard you say a
prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always
talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you make a
meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I
learned that we all have to help take care of each
other.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you give of
your time and money to help people who had nothing,
and I learned that those who have something should
give to those who don’t.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you take care
of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have
to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw how you
handled your responsibilities, even when you didn’ t
feel good, and I learned that I would have to be
responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw tears come
from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things
hurt, but it’s all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw that you
cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I learned most of
life’s lessons that I need to know to be a good and
productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I looked at you and
wanted to say,’ Thanks for all the things I saw when
you thought I wasn’t looking.’

I have no idea who wrote this; it wasn’t me….I received it in an email and thought it was good enough to share.