The Only Child Option

This article will be published in 2 categories - myths and truths.  It is completely dependent on the child whether they will have an imaginary friend or not.  Some singletons have imaginary friends and some children with siblings have imaginary friends.  I have a girlfriend whose 3-year old daughter has an entire imaginary family, mother, father and siblings.  AND, she has a real brother too!

My son has an imaginary friend named Gang-gang.  I have no problem with Joshua inventing a playmate, but I do have a problem with him using Gang-gang as his scapegoat.  Here are some recent examples: “Gang-gang told me to say bad words”, “Gang-gang told me to pee on the floor”, etc.  It reminds me of the Family Circle cartoon from many years ago that showed a broken lamp and all the children answering “not me” to mom’s question of “who did it?”  Meanwhile a little ghost named “Not Me” is running away…

I called my best friend who has 3 children and asked her what to do.  Her response was simple (and effective).  Tell Joshua that if Gang-gang is going to continue living in your household, he would have to abide by the rules.  If he didn’t follow the rules, he would have to find another home.  I added that Joshua was responsible for his actions and if he did something at Gang-gang’s behest, he would be punished.  He listened very seriously to my speech nodding all along and I don’t expect any further problems.  My friend said, “Of course, you caught him at his game!”

In conclusion, imaginary friends are not necessarily an only-child phenomenon.  They can show up in both only-child and multi-child families.  In either case, they are a normal part of childhood development and nothing to worry about.  You just have to keep them under control! LOL : )

This story was submitted by Donna Bowness-Belyea of Trinity on the Ocean. Thanks Donna!

I had a wonderful childhood as an only child. People think that you have to have siblings to be happy. WRONG………….If you have great role models, as I had you can be joyously happy and grow up a very secure, well-rounded child. People seem to think you are a spoiled brat when you’re an “only”, no so……I was brought up quite strictly and as I look back now, I realize much more so than most of my multiple family friends. No only do you get all the attention, but when you do something wrong you have no one to blame.

My parents were very loving, sharing, and affectionate….both to me and others.  Let me give you just a little insight into what I mean. My freshman year in high school, I had a group of friends that were always at the house and we loved to go to the ball games together. My Dad was a successful building contractor in our area and so he bought a 10 passenger station wagon to take us all to the games and did so for all four years. The rest of the girls were from multiple families and I feel he was able to do this because he didn’t have to raise other kids. Generosity was a description of my parents in every sense of the word. They were generous with their love, time, help, monies, education. Being an only, it was easier for them to help me with studying,for their time was concentrated on me. When it came to college,it was still easier for their funds only had to go in one direction. All around it seemed easier, even to the point that I loved it so much and could see how being an only child was wonderful that I had an only child myself.

If you ask me if being an only child and raising an only child was something I’d recommend, I’d say yes. Is that selfish? No, it’s not, I knew my limits, I had heard the bickering from siblings of others for years of all my friends,and seen the strains on the wallets of the parents and decided one was enough to raise and be able to give her all the love and attention I had .

Donna Bowness-Belyea
http://www.trinityontheocean.com/

Sociologist Judith Blake looked at a group of 6-11 year old boys over the course of several years. She recorded how often they participated in group activities as compared to solitary pursuits. She found that children from 1 and 2-child families spent significantly more time pursuing cultural interests such as music and the arts. They also spent more time playing by themselves.

In my opinion, this is not rocket science. How many of you from big families ever tried to listen to a classical music piece when there were siblings running through the room?? It just isn’t possible to play by yourself much when there are other family members who want to spent time with you. Whether it is the younger sister who wants to be just like big brother or vise versa, there is almost always someone demanding an audience.

Another thing to take into consideration is that many solitary pursuits require peace and quiet. A 15-year old with 4 younger siblings is not likely going to pick up musical composition because it requires large periods of quiet contemplation (a rarity in a large family!).   But just because only children have the environment necessary to enjoy solitary pursuits doesn’t mean they don’t like playing with others.  That’s like comparing apples to oranges…

So the question that follows is “Do only children feel lonely?” The answer is that most do not. Only children growing up without siblings don’t know what it is like to have someone around all the time. If their childhood is pleasant in other aspects (good living conditions, parents who get along, etc), they are going to appreciate what they have - they don’t know any different. In reality, many only children appreciate the fact that they have their parents all to themselves. : )

An examination of young children who are extremely inhibited as compared to those who are uninhibited concluded there is a biological basis for childhood shyness. Only children were found to be shy just as often as children with siblings (Kagan, J.; Reznick, J.S.; and Snidman, N. “Biological Bases of Childhood Shyness.” Science, Vol. 240 Apr. 8, 1998, pp. 167-71).

In practice, it makes sense that only children would be less shy, not more shy. After all, they don’t have siblings at home they can “fall back” on. I had a brother 2 1/2 years younger than me, but I was painfully shy all through my school years. I can count the number of friends I had on one hand.

So should you worry about your only child being shy? Probably not. Society is changing - we schedule “play dates” for our children as young as 6 months old. Daycare and preschool are almost universal where only children can learn to fight and play with the best of them. My son stays home with me, so daycare is not a factor, but I have taken care of a little girl his age since they were both 7 months old. We go to church and put Joshua in a Sunday School class with 15 other children every week. We live in a mobile society, we are not sitting at home watching soap operas and eating bon- bons.

If you have an only child or are considering having an only child, chances are that you have heard some of the common stereotypes related to only children:

• monster
• spoiled
• can’t share
• overprotected
• domineering
• lonely
• self-centered

“Stereotypes are nothing more than a set of beliefs.  In the case of only children, they are a result of faulty thinking that leads to incorrect and unjustified generalizations,” says Frank Sulloway who has studied birth order for 26 years. According to Sulloway, only children are actually the least predictable group.

Most people stereotype because it is quick and convenient. People of childbearing age today who were raised to believe that only children are demanding, difficult and emotionally challenged, need to update their thinking after being exposed to the facts.  Being an only child 40 years ago had a completely different status than it does today.  Only children who were raised 40 years ago had different experiences than an only child being raised today.  Our entire culture has changed.

So why are more people only having 1 child today. Here are some of the most common answers:

1. Financial security - it’s simple math.

2. Children are an enormous time commitment - more children, more time.

3. 1 child is more manageable. I can personally attest to the chaos that reins when there are 3 children in the household. My 3 closest friends each have 3 children.

4. Children from multi-child families who felt they could never measure up to an older sibling are having only children.

4. Women are getting married later having already established themselves in a career - it is part of their identity. They don’t want to completely switch gears from career woman to stay at home mom. I had my first child at 32, having already worked at a pharmaceutical company for 7 years. I loved the industry and wanted to stay connected to it.

6. Women who are getting married in their 30’s and 40’s know themselves better than women in their early 20’s. They are less inclined to follow the advice of others and more inclined to make their own decision and stick to it.

7. Women have all their eggs at birth. The longer they wait to have children, the bigger the chance of having a miscarriage or a child with developmental defects. For example, the occurrence of Down’s Syndrome dramatically increases in the 3o’s. A woman at 35 has a 1 in 350 chance; a woman at 40 has a 1 in 40 chance. Many women are happy to have 1 healthy child and are unwilling to “press their luck.”

The times are changing. Trends are shifting from the days when a family with 6 children was the norm. These days it is much more common to see families with 1-3 children. Consider these statistics:

In 1972, 56% of people polled thought 3 or more children was ideal. In 1998, only 39% felt the same way.

In 1972, there were 8-9 million only children. In 1995, there were 13 million only children, and in 2000 there were 16 million only children. One child families outnumber 2 child families and have more more than a decade. Over 1/5 of all families have only 1 child.

So why is the trend moving toward smaller families? We can answer that question by asking another question…why did people have large families 100 years ago?

1. Many families ran farms and children were needed as extra hands for chores and responsibilities.

2. Infant mortality was much higher.

3. People got married younger and started having children at a younger age.

4. Women stayed home and raised a family…they never even considered going out into the workforce initially, let alone after the first child was born.

Let’s ask another question. Why are more people stopping with one child today?

1. Women are having careers before getting married and/or before having children. They have fewer childbearing years and therefore fewer opportunities for children.

2. 1 out of 2 marriages end in divorce often before the second child is born.

3. 77% of women with children work. It is much easier to work with one child than 2 or more children. Women have found that they love being a mother, but they also love their job.

4. Having only 1 child allows greater financial fredeom and more opportunities for the family as a whole.

This story was submitted by the site owner, Alicia E Staz.

I suppose my story should have been the first one, but life happens to be crazy right now. How can life be crazy for a stay-at-home mom with only 1 child, you ask? Here’s how…I am a medical writer from home ~20 hours a week, I own a very busy retail website Beaded Royalty, I write for my Handmade Sterling Jewelry Blog, and (last but CERTAINLY not least) I take care of a little girl who is the same age as my son 4 days a week.

All of that said, raising my son to be a well-balanced adult is my top priority. Joshua is only 2 1/2 so I don’t have much history or experience at raising an only child. However, I have read several books about the subject and am committed to learning everything I can. I will add the books to the resources section this week so you can benefit from them as well.

The first and most obvious thing I do for my son is to take care of another child his age - Brynn is an only child too. I can’t tell you the number of times I have been asked “are they twins?” when I am out with them. I have to say “no, but they sure act like it!”. They play like siblings and fight like siblings. After all, they have been together since Joshua as 7 months and Brynn was 9 months. They are both “onlies” but neither knows it. They have to share, get along when they don’t necessarily feel like it and go places together. The room in my house that Brynn sleeps in is “Brynn’s Room.” I plan to take care of Brynn until they are both in school to allow them to benefit from each other’s company.

Brynn’s mom jokes that she pays me to have a playmate for Joshua. However, on days when they are both in bad moods and bickering all day, I would GLADLY trade places with her and return to corporate America. LOL

This story was submitted by Caren Cohen of DJ Baby. Thanks Caren!

I’m an only child. At 35 all I have heard all my life is how I don’t ‘seem’ like an only. I truly think the difference was having lots of opportunities to socialize all my life. My parents made sure I had lots of play dates, did after school activities etc. Also when I was older (9) I started sleep away camp. Being in a bunk with 10 other girls for a month at a time taught me to share, take care of myself, and made me very independent.

There is nothing at all wrong with having an only child. Each family is a choice. Any child who is raised in a wonderful loving environment will flourish. I never thought I missed out on anything, I never knew what there was to miss out on!

Caren Cohen
www.djbabyclothing.com
Original Clothing for Original Kids

This story was submitted by Anne Clark of Usborne Books. Thanks Anne!

While having just one child wasn’t my initial plan, it was clearly the Universe’s plan, and I wouldn’t trade our family of three for anything!

After 4 years of trying, tests, and treatments, we conceived via assisted insemination with injectable fertility drugs - yea, that was fun. NOT!! Our son, Eric, is the greatest blessing of our lives - however, our marriage nearly didn’t survive. Neither my husband nor I want to get on that fertility ‘roller coaster’ again.

Eric is now 8 1/2, and he is kind, independent, affectionate, bright, and funny. He’s got his dad’s sensitivity and my sarcasm. The three of us make a great team. Each of us gets alone time, time as a family, and one-on-one time with each other. Eric & I have coffee dates, play games, and share a Webkinz obsession. He & Dad play video games, go on bike rides, and talk about cars. Dad & I get quiet reading time and occasional Date Nights.

At this point, I feel a baby would throw off the entire dynamic. Occasionally I wish I could be pregnant again - I loved it the first time! - or I yearn for a baby to hold. Then I spend a few hours with my toddler niece, and though I love every minute, I’m happy to return to my calmer, less chaotic world. At this point, I don’t want to ’start over’ - night feedings, baby proofing, a completely dependent child…

And Eric understands that giving him a sibling would mean a lot of stress on all of us, and it would take away a lot of our our time, energy, and money that goes to other things now. We’re a happy trio, and we’re all grateful for that.

Thank you for drawing attention to the fact that being an only child is not a bad thing, nor are only children spoiled & selfish brats!

Anne Clark, Independent Educational Consultant
Usborne Books at Home
www.BestFamilyBooks.com