The Only Child Option

On 01-01-10 my little boy will be 5 years old.  My goodness - where has the time gone?  It seems like just yesterday he was learning to walk.  I know, I know, I will be saying that my whole life! LOL

I went back to work 7 months ago and I feel like I am missing a lifetime of experiences with Joshua.  I drop him off at school in the morning and get home 12 hours later.  Do I love my job? Yes!  Am I glad I have a job in the current economy?  Yes!  Do I miss my son?  Yes!  Such is the quandary so many of us find ourselves in these days.  I thought with him in school full-time, I would be free to go back to work full-time.  My job extends past his school day and during the summer so it has been a tug-of-war with my heart since the day I started.

Ladies, don’t take the decision to go back to work lightly.  I did - I had no idea how much it would change my life.  Staying home isn’t for everyone.  Some people are wired to work outside the home and come home energized.  Most nights I come home dead-tired.

As with the decision on whether to have 1 or more children, there are no clear-cut answers.  All I can do is present my experiences so you can make the best decision for you and your family.  Cheers as we ring in the New Year.  May 2010 be better than 2009!

 by Amelie Veegaet

I am questioning whether or not I should have another child. My first child Rose (now 3) was born with multiple birth defects.  I have never been able to find stories from families who decided to stop after one child because their first was born with medical issues. I feel our family is complete, but I feel pressure from Rose’s beloved grandmother. Grandma was a single child who says she suffered greatly from it.  I wonder if the fact that Grandma was adopted by a depressed and mentally ill woman did not have a greater impact on her suffering as a child.  Grandma would love for Rose to have a brother or sister and doesn’t miss an opportunity to remind us of how much better life would be for Rose if she had a sibling.

Each of my coworkers’ pregnancies triggers jealousy. I am not really sure why - I have two siblings, but we were never close. I am the oldest, and was in charge of taking care of them when they were kids. My mom received the same kind of pressure to have multiple children from her mom who was the oldest of 7. At the age of 20, tired of taking care of my siblings, I left the beautiful country of France where I was born and never went back. I maintain a good relationship with my mom and I am convinced that the long distance has something to do with it. : )

I love having a single child because of all the fun things I do with her that I didn’t do as a child. I like to discover books, music and art with her. I have taken the time to teach her French and she is now bilingual. She takes gymnastics and ballet lessons.

Our situation is a bit different because of the medical issues we deal with on a regular basis. When someone asks us why we are not trying to conceive, I feel like telling them to come and take care of Rose for a day. Maybe they would understand after 24 hours of handling a trach, gastrostomy tube, 13 doctors and surgeons, therapies…it is a full time job. Rose has a wonderful nurse that stays at home with her. I work full time and I need it - I feel refreshed when I go home at night. I love my job and it keeps me going, but I love my daughter more than anything else. I have fought for her to survive with all my soul. I feel like adding another child to the equation would throw me over the edge. But I want to turn down the jealous and guilty voices in my head. It is not easy…

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This summer has been an experiment…an experiment in chaos.  I went back to work (after being home 5 years) this past June.  I started looking for a job in April thinking it would take me all summer, and I got an offer right away.  Great news, except that I had to find care for Joshua during the summer.  One reason I went back to work is because he is in school full-time in the fall.  I wasn’t happy that I had to leave him early.  My husband works from home 2 days a week and grandma was happy to spoil him 1 day a week.  That left 2 days up in the air.  A long-time friend lives on the way to work, so we decided to try leaving Joshua with her…introduce chaos.

Beth has 3 children 11, 7, and almost 5.  She lives in a neighborhood full of kids and usually has no less than 5 at her house at any given time.  She does fine with it and since her children have always lived in that environment, they do well with it too.  Joshua…not so much.  He spent the first couple weeks in shock.  He held it together, but I could tell he wasn’t happy.  I was so close to putting him at his school in their summer camp program to give him the structure he craved.  I am glad I held out - we finished the summer strong.  He relaxed and started venturing outside his comfort zone.  He went to the park adjacent to their back yard and made new friends; he played with the kids across the street; he went in the “big pool” as opposed to the kiddie pool; he did arts and crafts, read books, did puzzles and actually had a great time (gasp!).

Growing up in an only-child family is different than growing up in a family with multiple kids.  Our house tends toward being calm and organized.  Joshua naturally prefers what he is used to - the activity at Aunt Beth’s house was uncomfortable for him in the beginning.  As we all know, life is not always calm and organized.  Our job as parents is to give our kids a safe environment in which to mature.  They will eventually leave the nest and the more preparation they have, the more successful they will be at this thing called life.

by D.L.

As far as being an only child versus having brothers and sisters…  I grew up independent, unafraid of spending time alone, and comfortable around adults as well as kids.  I always had a couple of best friends with whom I was close with like sisters.  I don’t remember feeling lonely or “different” as an only.  My best friend as a child was an only too.  There have been times in life I wondered what it would have been like but in my case, I feel it was all for the best.  My husband grew up with one sister and they are not particularly close as adults.  So, having a sibling does not guarantee lifelong companions or protect one from loneliness, etc…

I feel that people who judge or question others for having one child only need to get a life and get some manners.  First, it is none of anyone’s business…period.  Secondly,  there are a many good reasons for choosing only to have one.  My husband and I chose not to have children at all.  If other women choose to ostracize me for not being a mother, then that is THEIR problem.  I have had wonderful “sister-like” friends all my life and am happy to say at age 47, we are closer than ever.  I spend a lot of time cultivating and nurturing those closest to me so my dearest friends are family in my book.  We have a nephew and two nieces we love and hopefully one day we will get to see more of them.  We currently live in WA state due to my husband’s job and all of our family members are in SC, NC, and VA.

Family includes who you choose to have in your life, regardless of bloodlines and the number of children you have.  People who judge you for your lifestyle choices are not your friends.  There are more and more couples choosing to only have one child simply for economics and some families are child-free for various reasons.  No one should judge a family for having thoughtful family planning.  Too many people in this world  give having children too little thought sometimes and have too many children.  There is so much abuse and neglect of children in the world today and that is truly truly sad.

My family includes my husband, our animals and other relatives and friends so I have never felt like I don’t have a family just because we chose not to have any kids.

Live and let live…. love and accept all.  To me that is the way of Christ!

I love the bumper sticker:  “God Bless the Whole World, No Exceptions”

Don’t let others who question your choice to have one child get to you.

Here is a benefit for moms who don’t want to go back to work until the kid(s) are in school.  If you only have 1, the time frame is sooner.  My only child Joshua will be in school full-time in the fall.  He goes to a private school where Jr Kindergarten is full time.  Yes, they take naps.  No, they don’t get grades.  This school doesn’t even give letter or number grades until the 5th grade!  No pressure whatsoever.  He will take violin and Spanish, practice letters and writing and fill the front of my fridge with cool artwork!

I stopped working when I got pregnant.  I was out of the workforce exactly 5 years (almost to the day).  I started looking for a job this past April thinking with the economy what it is, it would take months to find a job.  Nope.  I got the first job I interviewed for, and it is exactly what I wanted.  It left me scrambling for summer child care since I didn’t expect to start working until school started again.  Everything ended up working out just fine.  Joshua is spending 2 days with Daddy who works from home Tues/Thur, 2 days with my best friend and her 3 kids, and 1 day with Grandma.

Isn’t it better to be home with your child(ren)?  It depends.  My personality leans toward workaholic-ism (is that even a word??).  My at-home business was actually taking me AWAY from my family since I was doing it all the time.  We decided for me to go to work and then be 100% home when I am home is better for us.   Joshua is learning about adapting to new situations and will be a more well-rounded child in the long run. My time with him is now focused and more special because it is limited.  All’s well that ends well.

What do you say when your only child asks why?  Is there a way to prevent your only child from asking that question in the first place - or at least being so focused that they ask over and over?

Young children think they are the center of the universe…in a way they are.  Their needs are met by their parents unequivocally.  They do not hold jobs, they have have a roof over their heads, clothing on their backs, a room to sleep in that is their own, etc.  So it follows that their reality is THE reality.  As long as their reality is a pleasant one, many won’t question it.  Make sure that your child is secure in their oneness.  But how do you do that?

One key is for you to be secure in their oneness (or at least in their eyes).  Singletons who live in a home where the parents are satisfied with 1 child are more likely to be satisfied being an only child themselves.  Singletons who live in a home with parents who are vocal about their desire to have more children, are more likely to be dissatisfied being alone and to question the reason(s).  If you are still considering whether to more children, keep the decision-making process between you and your spouse.  Don’t involve the child or let them overhear you talking about it.

Another key is to refrain from placing all your “needs” on them. Whatever you do, don’t tell your child that since they are the only child, they have to meet your needs for closeness, time and attention, etc.  Children are not equipped to handle this type of responsibility and it will make them resent the fact that they don’t have a sibling with whom to share the burden.  They are more likely to ask why they don’t have siblings when it is uncomfortable for them to be an only child.

So what do you say when they DO ask?  …and they will ask. First, consider the age of the child.  A 4-year old does not need to be told the nuances of fertility treatments or the expense of having multiple children.  Nor do they need to know that your temperament doesn’t lend itself to a large family.  Simply tell them that mommy and daddy decided the best option for your family is 1 child and that you are happy with your decision.  An older child with questions may be able to understand the details, but in either case, be sure to outline several positive characteristics of an only child family.

by K.R. Pinkston

“Why do you only have one child? Don’t you know that only children have it harder?”

These questions from neighbors and well-meaning friends hurt. They don’t know that I have kept the manufacturers of pregnancy tests in business over the past years.

Nevertheless, I do not blame them. After all, my friend from elementary school is an only child, and I remember that I pitied and, at times, envied her. The adults around me pointed out that all single children are selfish, socially inept and spoiled. I took these stereotypical beliefs with me into adulthood, not knowing that my way of thinking would be tested.

After we got married, we did not have children right away. I needed to get used to the military way of life, and I wanted to finish my degree before we embarked on the long road of parenthood. That road started with the birth of our son.

I loved being a stay-at-home mother. In retrospect, I do not know exactly why we did not try to have a second child soon afterward.  Maybe I thought that we could not handle the upcoming move to an overseas duty station with two little ones. Why rush? After all, we had plenty of time to expand our family of three.

September 11, 2001 changed our lives. My husband’s frequent training, trips and long days cut our family time. Like many other military spouses I had become a single mother overnight. We talked about having another child. Soon. Not now, when everything was so busy and so uncertain. We would wait a few more months. No hurry.

This wait turned into years. After an unexpected 14-months deployment, he reported for another duty station far away from us. During that time he found out that he had contracted tuberculosis. Not contagious; yet, he needed to take medications. When we finally lived together again, it was summer of 2004. Now we would have our second, and maybe a third, child.

But it did not happen. Some doctors blamed his medications.

“Just relax,” another doctor told us. “You’ve been pregnant before, and your body knows what to do.”

After another move, we tried fertility drugs. No second child. The doctors blamed our age. What I did not tell the doctors was that I blamed myself. Why had we not tried to have another child before 2001? Why had we waited? We so much longed for another child. What had we done to deserve this?

We missed our opportunity to have another child. Now we would have a selfish, socially inept and spoiled only child.

“Why don’t I have a brother or sister? Why am I by myself?” Our son wanted to know.

I was honest with him, explaining every time that we had wanted to have other children. When he was in second grade, he came home one day, saying that he was the only child in the class who did not have a sibling.
“I’m sorry,” I said, swallowing hard to push down the feeling of inadequacy. “I wish I could change it.”

He shook his head. “Well, don’t. It’s fine. Really. Because you can cuddle up with me every night and read a book together. Makayla said her mom never reads with her at night because it wakes up the twins.”

That exchange forced me to look at the facts. I had focused only on the negative aspects and forgotten that raising a single child has many advantages. It was time I changed my perspective.

This did not happen overnight. Each day I worked at seeing opportunities rather than misfortune. One advantage of having a single child is that I have time to talk with him and share a variety of activities without interruption from other siblings. Sure, he lacks the companionship of another sibling; yet, his friends make up for it. Contrary to my stereotypical beliefs and fears, our son turned out to be very social, extroverted and happy.  Also, when he is at home he has learned to occupy himself.

A few days ago, we went together to Rome. Perhaps this would be an example of spoiling our only child, but I see it as taking advantage of being stationed overseas and expanding his education. The same is true for extra curriculum activities. Since I do not have other kids to drive to different sports or activities, he can pick and choose according to his special interests.

Yes, I wanted to have a second child, but I cannot change our past decisions, let alone world events.  It is no good to lament over the past. Everything happens for a reason even if it took me a long while to understand that reason. Although we missed the opportunity to have another child, I do not want to miss the opportunity to raise our single child in a loving family – even if our family is small. I am more grateful now, and I also do not take blessings for granted.  I am thankful that we have one healthy child who keeps me on my toes. Raising a single child is a gift.

by Karen Wilson-Dooley

This week, I will turn 49 years old – just one year shy of the big 5-0! My one-and-only child Andrea will turn 29 a week later, and next year she will also observe a milestone birthday. I imagine that we will either join together to celebrate life or commiserate with each other on growing older. It’s always at this time of year that I reflect back to 1980 when I prepared to give birth to what I hoped to be my first of two children.

As fate would have it, or what I personally refer to as God’s Will for my life, I was blessed with only one child. I was not always happy with God’s choice in the matter, but it took me years to realize that God ‘really’ did know what He was doing.

My husband and I, like the average American couple, planned on having at least two children. As a matter of fact, we tried for five years to bring another life into this world. That dream was snuffed out when I turned 26 years old. I was at work one day when I began to hemorrhage. After a quick trip to the emergency room and a D&C to try and stop the bleeding, my gynecologist rendered a diagnosis of endometrial hyperplasia, a condition in which the lining of the uterus thickens and eventually sheds, causing vaginal bleeding to occur. It can potentially be a precursor to cancer in some women.

I was overweight, diabetic, did not have regular menstrual periods, and suffered from polycystic ovary syndrome – all of which led to this condition. The doctor also found pre-cancerous tumors on the cervix and advised that a hysterectomy was the only option at the time. The hemorrhaging could not be brought under control and surgery was scheduled to take place rather quickly, allowing no time to think or adjust to the idea of what was happening to me.

As a 26-year-old wife and mother of one, who longed for another child, it was just as much – or even more – mentally traumatizing as it was physically distressing to face having my womb removed from my body. I was suddenly hit with the stark reality of finality – the fact that I would never again conceive and give birth to another child – my second of two that would complete our family. At this time, my small family was complete. We had come as far as we ever would in number in only six short years of marriage.

I felt great physically following surgery, but I slipped into depression and grieved for several years over the loss of having another child. This all took place when my circle of friends and family were regularly adding children to their households. At a time when I should have been happy for them, I was jealous and felt sorry for myself. I even grew bitter at God, wondering why He chose to cast this terrible curse on me.

No one really understood me – they could not possibly know how I felt because they were not going through the same thing. Even my husband did not understand. He actually admitted that he was relieved. That certainly did not help me through the grief process. I resented him for his honesty.

I was able to work through the mental healing process as time passed. I cannot say that anything miraculous happened that led me to accept the situation. There was no epiphany of what God had in store for my life. I simply believe that through prayer and determination to move forward with my life that I began to heal and realize that God had a reason for this, as well as a plan for my future. It was not my choice to raise an only child, but it was my choice to be happy with God’s decision for my life. Somewhere in the midst of my sadness, anger, and self-pity, I hit a turning point and never looked back.

As Andrea grew up, I filled my time with things that I enjoyed and quickly saw my situation as an advantage over my friends and family who had babies and toddlers under foot restricting them in ways that I was not. Having an only child suddenly became a positive aspect in my life – and even more so as time passed. Once Andrea started school, I was able to pursue my career and personal interests, work on my education, and start my own company – things I may have otherwise never been able to do.

I became very involved in Andrea’s life early on – school, cheerleading, church activities, and other events. Opportunities opened up for her as an only child to do more with her own life, as well. We actually grew up together – she, her dad, and I. Looking back over the years, I recall that although she was an only child, she was rarely ever alone. Our home was always filled with her friends and cousins – and music and laughter. We never took a trip that Andrea did not take a companion along. It was more like having a pool of sisters to select from – another advantage for an only child.

As an adult, Andrea’s life is overflowing with activities, fun, and challenges with young men and women she considers to be her brothers and sisters – and all of whom refer to Larry and me as mom and dad. While I did not give birth to more than one child, I find my life is now filled with more grown kids than I know what to do with! I am truly blessed!

Karen Wilson-Dooley is an accomplished freelance writer and businesswoman who divides her professional time between creating marketing content for businesses, crafting resumes for individuals, and developing her creative writing career through a variety of online and offline publications. In addition, Karen is a wife, mother, and artist who enjoys quilting, sewing, beading, and scrapbooking. Contact Karen at kwdooley@comcast.net.

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