The Only Child Option

I am participating in the fantastic online bible study over at Melissa Taylor‘s blog. The study is based on Karen Ehman‘s book Let.It.Go. Boy have I learned a lot.

This weeks’ chapter is called Micromanaging Instead of Mothering…ouch! With an only child it is so much easier to just do it for him.  It isn’t like I have 6 kids and they HAVE to learn to tie their own shoes or we would never get out the door.  I am ashamed to admit that my son didn’t learn to tie his shoes until he was 7.  It was easier for me to do it for him than to teach him to do it himself.  Rather than teach my son to fold towels, shirts and underwear, I did the laundry myself.

That is, until I was challenged otherwise.  My son goes to a private Christian school.  Yes, we are blessed.  The lower school counselor has a book study in the fall and in the spring.  This past October it was the book called Cleaning House by a lovely lady named Kay Wyma (who hails from the great city of Dallas just 20 short minutes from my house!). The subtitle was “A Mom’s 12-Month Experiment to Rid Her Home of Youth Entitlement.” I almost don’t need to say more, but I will.  LOL

I thought I was helping my child by pampering and doing everything for him.  What kid wants to do chores?? The problem came when he started to expect things to be done:

Him: “Mom, I don’t have any socks.”
Me (thinking): “You’ve been walking past a basket full of white laundry in my room for the last 3 days!”

What starts as an expectation for socks to magically appear in his drawers, can turn into him thinking the world revolves around them. I mean, kids think that way when they are little anyway, then as they get older we reinforce in their developing minds.

• Junior doesn’t get invited to a party, so we call the parents and ask for him to be included.
• We “help” with homework because we don’t want him to get a bad grade (he might be disappointed).
• We give every child a trophy. Heard from the child who actually won a local gymnastics meet, “What’s the point of winning if everyone gets a trophy?”

Entitlement has permeated our culture. It starts out as our tying their shoes because it is quicker, and turns into our clearing away every difficulty before it can slow them down or disappoint them. By the time they are ready to leave the nest, they have no idea what they can do or who they can be. Today’s generation of young adults is self-labeled “Gen Me”.  The world revolves around them, they want what they want and they expect to get it.  And if they don’t get what they want, they will call their parents and they will get it for them!

Stop the madness – teach your child to do things for themselves when they are young. Hold their hand, teach them to succeed. Then they will be able to use their hands to lead the next generation.

An 19-year old Aussie talks about being an only child. This video is a must-see. I love his perspective and his delivery is quite enjoyable. : )

In 1998, Bob Hostetler wrote the 31 Biblical Virtues to Pray for Your Kids for Pray! Magazine. The leader of our mom’s prayer group handed out cards with those virtues so we could pray for our kids.  Well, I just have 1 kid and I found myself having a hard time praying through them so I decided to type up the 31 biblical virtues for an only child. These are not my work and I copied them from the resource listed above.  I just thought other only child moms might appreciate the adaptation.

1. Salvation. “Lord, let salvation spring up within my child, that they may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory.” (Is. 45:8, 2 Tim. 2:10)

2. Growth in grace. “I pray that my child may grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.” (2 Pet. 3:18)

3. Love. “Grant, Lord, that my child may learn to live a life of love, through the Spirit who dwells in them.” (Gal. 5:25, Eph. 5:2)

4. Honesty and integrity. “May integrity and honesty be their virtue and protection.” (Ps. 25:21)

5. Self-control. “Father, help my child not to be like many others around them, but let them be alert and self-controlled in all they do.” (1 Thess. 5:6)

6. Love for God’s Word. “May my child grow to find your Word more precious than much pure gold and sweeter than honey from the comb.” (Ps. 19:10)

7. Justice. “God, help my child to love justice as You do and act justly in all they do.” (Ps. 11:7, Mic. 6:8)

8. Mercy. “May my child always be merciful, just as their Father is merciful.” (Lk. 6:36)

9. Respect (for self, others, authority). “Father, grant that my child may show proper respect to everyone as your Word commands.” (1 Pet. 2:17)

10. Biblical self-esteem. “Help my child develop a strong self-esteem that is rooted in the realization that they are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus.” (Eph. 2:10)

11. Faithfulness. “Let love and faithfulness never leave my child, but bind these twin virtues around their neck and write them on the tablet of their heart.” (Prov. 3:3)

12. Courage. “May my child always be strong and courageous in character and action.” (Dt. 31:6)

13. Purity. “Create in them a pure heart, O God, and let that purity of heart be shown in their actions.” (Ps. 51:10)

14. Kindness. “Lord, may my child always try to be kind to everyone.” (1 Thess. 5:15)

15. Generosity. “Grant that my child may be generous and willing to share, and so lay up treasure as a firm foundation for the coming age.” (1 Tim. 6:18-19)

16. Peace-loving. “Father, let my child make every effort to do what leads to peace.” (Rom. 14:19)

17. Joy. “May my child be filled with the joy given by the Holy Spirit.” (1 Thess. 1:6)

18. Perseverance. “Lord, teach my child perseverance in all they do, and help them especially to run with perseverance the race marked out for them.” (Heb. 12:1)

19. Humility. “God, please cultivate in my child the ability to show true humility toward all.” (Tit. 3:2)

20. Compassion. “Lord, please clothe my child with the virtue of compassion.” (Col. 3:12)

21. Responsibility. “Grant that my child may learn responsibility, that each should carry his own load.” (Gal. 6:5)

22. Contentment. “Father, teach my child the secret of being content in any and every situation, through Him who gives strength.” (Phil. 4:12-13)

23. Faith. “I pray that faith will find root and grow in my child’s heart, that by faith they might gain what has been promised.” (Lk. 17:5-6, Heb. 11:1-40)

24. A servant’s heart. “God, please help my child develop a servant’s heart, that they may gain what has been promised to them.” (Eph. 6:7)

25. Hope. “May the God of hope grant that my child may overflow with hope and hopefulness by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Ro. 15:13)

26. Willingness and ability to work. “Teach my child, Lord, to value work and to work at it with all their heart, as if working for the Lord and not for men.” (Col. 3:23)

27. Passion for God. “Lord, please instill in my child a soul that ‘followeth hard after you,’ one that clings passionately to you.” (Ps. 63:8)

28. Self-discipline. “Father,  I pray that my child may acquire a disciplined and prudent life, doing what is right and just and fair.” (Prov. 1:3)

29. Prayerfulness. “Grant, Lord, that my child’s life may be marked by prayerfulness, that they may learn to pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.” (Eph. 6:18)

30. Gratitude. “Help my child to live a life that is overflowing with thankfulness and giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.” (Eph. 5:20, Col. 2:7)

31. A heart for missions. “Lord, please help my child to develop a desire to see your glory declared among the nations, your marvelous deeds among all the peoples.” (Ps.96:3)

If you want to carry a printed version to remind you pray, click here.

This is another great video on the truths and myths surrounding only children from ABC News. Susan Newman, PhD a premier psychologist with strong view on only child parenting was interviewed for it, so it is a must-see. : )

I got this awesome email parenting tip yesterday and I can’t find any way to tweet, repost, etc. So I am pasting below. This is not my writing, but I hope my readers will find it helpful. The credits are after the article.

Parenting Tip
October 30, 2012

When you feel overwhelmed by the poor behavior of your children, here’s an exercise that will give you some direction. In fact, this activity is good for any parent looking for ways to help children grow, but it’s especially helpful when you’re confused and overwhelmed by a problem’s complexity or deeply rooted nature.

Take out some paper and make a list of the offenses committed by your child or the problems you’ve seen in your child in the last few days. This isn’t a list to show to your child but is a working list so that you can gain some perspective in your discipline. You’re looking for examples of problems that need to be addressed. In this step, you’re simply gathering data and making observations.

Next, group the offenses around character qualities. That is, look for common threads in the offenses that are an indication of a bigger heart issue. Grouping offenses around character qualities is freeing for many parents. First, it provides parents with some perspective. Instead of working on 50 different negative behaviors, now you can focus on three or four positive character qualities. Furthermore, once you develop a strategy for character development you begin to see many of the offenses in your child’s life as opportunities for growth.

This approach also helps parents focus on what their kids need to be doing instead of simply focusing on the wrong behavior. In order to keep character training practical you might want to develop a working definition for the quality you’re focusing on. Here are some examples to get you started, but the best definitions are ones that you develop that are targeted specifically to your child’s needs.

• Obedience is doing what someone says, right away, without being reminded.
• Honor is treating people as special, doing more than what’s expected, and having a good attitude.
• Perseverance is hanging in there even after you feel like quitting.
• Attentiveness is showing people you love them by looking at them when they say their words.
• Patience is waiting with a happy heart.
• Self Discipline is putting off present rewards for future benefits.
• Gratefulness is being thankful for the things I have instead of grumbling about the things I don’t have.

Finally, develop a coaching attitude with your child as he or she has opportunity to learn and practice this new quality.

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This parenting tip comes from the book Parenting Shifts, 50 Heart-Based Strategies to Keep You Growing in Your Parenting by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.