The Only Child Option

It is finally here!  I was one of the people interviewed for The Case for the Only Child by Susan Newman, PhD.  You have to read it!! It was actually released on June 1, 2011.  I pre-ordered it and got it the first week.  I have been trying to finish it so I could give a full review of the book, but my schedule just isn’t allowing me to read it fast enough.

I do want to let everyone know that there is a FAB new book on only child parenting out – The Case for the Only Child.  The first few chapters are amazing.  I will be posting as I come across nuggets while reading.  In the meantime, I leave you with my favorite quote from the book so far, having just one child is the “place in between children and childlessness.”  There is another option!

In an effort to be the most comprehensive resource for only child families, I bring you a talkshow that aired on The Takeaway July, 12, 2010.  Guests included psychologist Susan Newman, author of several only child parenting books and Lauren Sandler author of the Time Magazine story The Only Child: Debunking the Myths.

An only child success story from a friend…is this not one of the happiest children you have ever seen??

“I have been reading your only child blog and I feel for the woman who wants another, but her husband is not into it. I have always wanted another but my hubby wasn’t so sure.  Then once we decide to not prevent, nothing happened.  We took this as a sign that we are blessed and only meant for one. But I have to say, when your child is at the playground and another child asks your child about siblings and he easily responds “I’m an only child” it’s hard to hear. No big deal to him, but for me it almost brings tears to my eyes. I feel like he is missing something, which I know he doesn’t think. But as I discovered on vacation, the onlies find each other to play with. They also seem to realize they are more well-traveled and have more perks than some of their classmates. And as you know, onlies can be very happy not sharing their loved ones’ attention.”

Month 2

It seems the 2nd month after a major move is the most difficult for children to weather.  My best friend moved with her 3 children this spring.  She told me the 2nd month was the hardest, but I didn’t pay attention.  We muddled through the 1st month and I thought he was going to make it through the transition without incident.  Then he seemed to realize all of a sudden that the move was permanent and he wasn’t going back to Pennsylvania.  A T T I T U D E . My mild-mannered child started to complain, whine and debate everything. Calgon, take me away!

So what do you do when your only child is struggling with moving across the country and doesn’t know how to communicate with you about it?  When a child has sibling(s), they can talk to their brothers and sisters.  Kids understand other kids.  When there aren’t children to talk to and they don’t know how to express themselves on an adult level, it can manifest itself as whining, complaining and bad attitudes.

First, I needed to address the root cause of the problem…the bad attitude.  I had purchased the book Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining and Bad Attitudes…in You and Your Children several months ago.  I decided now was the time to read it. Once I started reading the book and working on the root cause of the problem, I took a step back and started listening to my son.  As a child who moved with his parents across the country, he felt powerless.  He felt like he had no control over his surroundings which made him more prone to complaining.

An example of this occurred the other day.  I had planned an outing to the Fort Worth Science Museum with a friend of mine.  My friend and I discussed going to Chick Fil A for lunch. I didn’t think Joshua would mind since he had liked it last time we went. When it was time to go to lunch he had at least 6 complaints about the restaurant.  Huh?  Once we got outside, I asked him why he hadn’t told me before that he didn’t want to go to Chick Fil A. He very simply said “you never told me.” Oops!

Now I listen better and try to give him more say in what we do and where we go. When he is upset about something, I try to look at the situation from his perspective.  Does that mean that I let him get away with talking back to me and having temper tantrums? No. But I try to be a little more understanding when he is upset about something.

Another thing that has helped is the establishment of routine.  The longer we have been here, the more routines we establish:

• Visiting my friend Beth who moved here this Spring on a weekly basis
• Going to the library on Friday
• Getting my allergy shots and having lunch with Daddy on Monday
• Tennis lessons for Joshua on Saturday morning
• Dinner out Saturday night
• Church on Sunday

For my son, having a calendar has helped too.  He can look at it and see what we are doing during the week. The bottom line is that you take it one day at a time and every day gets a little better.

After moving from PA to TX, my only child Joshua started to whine and complain constantly.  It was his reaction to the huge change in his life.  Even though I understood the reason for his bad attitude, I still couldn’t allow him to act in a way that was unacceptable for our family. I had purchased “Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining and Bad Attitudes” by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller several months ago.  Now was the time to read it.

This is from the inside flap of the book:

“Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller offer a thorough program for establishing honor as a basis of family life — not just children honoring parents, but parents respecting children and children honoring each other. Even if honor seems a long way off in your household, you will find practical suggestions here to bring that goal a little closer — suggestions for kids of all ages. Honor is the biblical value that will bring about good behavior. It’s more than just changing what kids do; it’s changing the deeper issues of the heart that triggered the behavior.”

The book has a lot to offer and I have no doubt it will change the way our family relates.  It talks about honoring our family members in every interaction.  Give the gift of treating them well.  You wouldn’t give your friend a bag full of dirt, would you?  Neither should you give your family harsh words or bad treatment.  The bottom line is that we should treat each other with honor – as valuable treasures. Parents AND children. I have no delusions – my son has learned bad relational habits from mommy and daddy.  The buck stops here.

There are 2 methods you can use for teaching honor to children.  The first one is “Obey First and Then We’ll Talk About It.”  I don’t know about your child, but mine has a bad habit of trying to “get out” of everything I ask him to do.  He doesn’t just say “no” which would be easier to deal with.  He tries to debate giving me 10 reasons why he shouldn’t do it.  Now, when I ask Joshua to get ready for bed and he starts telling me all the reasons why he should be able to stay up, I tell him to get his PJs on and then we will talk about it.  It teaches him that while he does have some say, there are also times when he needs to follow instructions.

When children learn to follow instructions without arguing, you can progress to the second method – “The Wise Appeal.” Ben comes home from school exhausted from a long day.  All he wants to do is sit and listen to some CDs.  As soon as he walks in the door, his mom asks him to skim the pool for the guests that are coming over later tonight.  His first thought is to argue that it isn’t fair – then he changes his approach.  He tells his mom that he understands the pool needs to be skimmed but he is really tired.  Would she be ok with him skimming the pool in a hour before everyone arrives?  Everyone’s needs are met and everyone is happy.  ”The Wise Appeal” says:

“I understand that you want me to…because…”
“I have a problem with that because…”
“Could I please…?”

Children need to learn to appeal in an honoring way when they don’t agree.  It is something they will take with them into their jobs and their families when they get older. Do your family a favor – teach them about honor early in life.  They will thank you for it later!