The Only Child Option

This summer has been an experiment…an experiment in chaos.  I went back to work (after being home 5 years) this past June.  I started looking for a job in April thinking it would take me all summer, and I got an offer right away.  Great news, except that I had to find care for Joshua during the summer.  One reason I went back to work is because he is in school full-time in the fall.  I wasn’t happy that I had to leave him early.  My husband works from home 2 days a week and grandma was happy to spoil him 1 day a week.  That left 2 days up in the air.  A long-time friend lives on the way to work, so we decided to try leaving Joshua with her…introduce chaos.

Beth has 3 children 11, 7, and almost 5.  She lives in a neighborhood full of kids and usually has no less than 5 at her house at any given time.  She does fine with it and since her children have always lived in that environment, they do well with it too.  Joshua…not so much.  He spent the first couple weeks in shock.  He held it together, but I could tell he wasn’t happy.  I was so close to putting him at his school in their summer camp program to give him the structure he craved.  I am glad I held out - we finished the summer strong.  He relaxed and started venturing outside his comfort zone.  He went to the park adjacent to their back yard and made new friends; he played with the kids across the street; he went in the “big pool” as opposed to the kiddie pool; he did arts and crafts, read books, did puzzles and actually had a great time (gasp!).

Growing up in an only-child family is different than growing up in a family with multiple kids.  Our house tends toward being calm and organized.  Joshua naturally prefers what he is used to - the activity at Aunt Beth’s house was uncomfortable for him in the beginning.  As we all know, life is not always calm and organized.  Our job as parents is to give our kids a safe environment in which to mature.  They will eventually leave the nest and the more preparation they have, the more successful they will be at this thing called life.

Here is a benefit for moms who don’t want to go back to work until the kid(s) are in school.  If you only have 1, the time frame is sooner.  My only child Joshua will be in school full-time in the fall.  He goes to a private school where Jr Kindergarten is full time.  Yes, they take naps.  No, they don’t get grades.  This school doesn’t even give letter or number grades until the 5th grade!  No pressure whatsoever.  He will take violin and Spanish, practice letters and writing and fill the front of my fridge with cool artwork!

I stopped working when I got pregnant.  I was out of the workforce exactly 5 years (almost to the day).  I started looking for a job this past April thinking with the economy what it is, it would take months to find a job.  Nope.  I got the first job I interviewed for, and it is exactly what I wanted.  It left me scrambling for summer child care since I didn’t expect to start working until school started again.  Everything ended up working out just fine.  Joshua is spending 2 days with Daddy who works from home Tues/Thur, 2 days with my best friend and her 3 kids, and 1 day with Grandma.

Isn’t it better to be home with your child(ren)?  It depends.  My personality leans toward workaholic-ism (is that even a word??).  My at-home business was actually taking me AWAY from my family since I was doing it all the time.  We decided for me to go to work and then be 100% home when I am home is better for us.   Joshua is learning about adapting to new situations and will be a more well-rounded child in the long run. My time with him is now focused and more special because it is limited.  All’s well that ends well.

What do you say when your only child asks why?  Is there a way to prevent your only child from asking that question in the first place - or at least being so focused that they ask over and over?

Young children think they are the center of the universe…in a way they are.  Their needs are met by their parents unequivocally.  They do not hold jobs, they have have a roof over their heads, clothing on their backs, a room to sleep in that is their own, etc.  So it follows that their reality is THE reality.  As long as their reality is a pleasant one, many won’t question it.  Make sure that your child is secure in their oneness.  But how do you do that?

One key is for you to be secure in their oneness (or at least in their eyes).  Singletons who live in a home where the parents are satisfied with 1 child are more likely to be satisfied being an only child themselves.  Singletons who live in a home with parents who are vocal about their desire to have more children, are more likely to be dissatisfied being alone and to question the reason(s).  If you are still considering whether to more children, keep the decision-making process between you and your spouse.  Don’t involve the child or let them overhear you talking about it.

Another key is to refrain from placing all your “needs” on them. Whatever you do, don’t tell your child that since they are the only child, they have to meet your needs for closeness, time and attention, etc.  Children are not equipped to handle this type of responsibility and it will make them resent the fact that they don’t have a sibling with whom to share the burden.  They are more likely to ask why they don’t have siblings when it is uncomfortable for them to be an only child.

So what do you say when they DO ask?  …and they will ask. First, consider the age of the child.  A 4-year old does not need to be told the nuances of fertility treatments or the expense of having multiple children.  Nor do they need to know that your temperament doesn’t lend itself to a large family.  Simply tell them that mommy and daddy decided the best option for your family is 1 child and that you are happy with your decision.  An older child with questions may be able to understand the details, but in either case, be sure to outline several positive characteristics of an only child family.

Our friends at My Precious Kid have done it again!  They have collected free shipping offers from a number of online retailers and posted them for the convenience of their customers.  Now you can benefit too!  Here is the link:

http://www.mypreciouskid.com/cyber-monday-free-ship.html

Tell them Alicia at Only Child Option sent you! : )

Shopping with your child or children can be less than enjoyable.  The online superhighway enables us to “shop from our seat, not our feet”.  Black Friday is traditionally a big shopping day and signals the beginning of the Christmas shopping season.  My friends at My Precious Kid have collected a TON of Black Friday coupon codes at:

http://www.mypreciouskid.com/black-friday.html

Since most Black Friday coupon codes last through the weekend, there is no need to stand in line at 12 midnight or 5 am just to find out that “thing-we-had-to-have” is sold out.  Let’s go shopping online and save gas while we are at it!

Black Friday coupon codes and sales prices for the big box stores can be found at:

http://www.black-friday.net

My writing on only-child parenting is influenced by personal experience and 2 books I have read.  I highly recommend both of them:

Parenting an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only by Susan Newman Ph.D. Susan also writes for Psychology Today in her Singletons blog.

You and Your Only Child: The Joys, Myths, and Challenges of Raising an Only Child by Patricia Nachman Ph.D. with Andrea Thompson

If you have any other resources you would like to recommend, please don’t hesitate to contact me!

If you have an only child or are considering having an only child, chances are that you have heard some of the common stereotypes related to only children:

• monster
• spoiled
• can’t share
• overprotected
• domineering
• lonely
• self-centered

“Stereotypes are nothing more than a set of beliefs.  In the case of only children, they are a result of faulty thinking that leads to incorrect and unjustified generalizations,” says Frank Sulloway who has studied birth order for 26 years. According to Sulloway, only children are actually the least predictable group.

Most people stereotype because it is quick and convenient. People of childbearing age today who were raised to believe that only children are demanding, difficult and emotionally challenged, need to update their thinking after being exposed to the facts.  Being an only child 40 years ago had a completely different status than it does today.  Only children who were raised 40 years ago had different experiences than an only child being raised today.  Our entire culture has changed.

So why are more people only having 1 child today. Here are some of the most common answers:

1. Financial security - it’s simple math.

2. Children are an enormous time commitment - more children, more time.

3. 1 child is more manageable. I can personally attest to the chaos that reins when there are 3 children in the household. My 3 closest friends each have 3 children.

4. Children from multi-child families who felt they could never measure up to an older sibling are having only children.

4. Women are getting married later having already established themselves in a career - it is part of their identity. They don’t want to completely switch gears from career woman to stay at home mom. I had my first child at 32, having already worked at a pharmaceutical company for 7 years. I loved the industry and wanted to stay connected to it.

6. Women who are getting married in their 30’s and 40’s know themselves better than women in their early 20’s. They are less inclined to follow the advice of others and more inclined to make their own decision and stick to it.

7. Women have all their eggs at birth. The longer they wait to have children, the bigger the chance of having a miscarriage or a child with developmental defects. For example, the occurrence of Down’s Syndrome dramatically increases in the 3o’s. A woman at 35 has a 1 in 350 chance; a woman at 40 has a 1 in 40 chance. Many women are happy to have 1 healthy child and are unwilling to “press their luck.”

The times are changing. Trends are shifting from the days when a family with 6 children was the norm. These days it is much more common to see families with 1-3 children. Consider these statistics:

In 1972, 56% of people polled thought 3 or more children was ideal. In 1998, only 39% felt the same way.

In 1972, there were 8-9 million only children. In 1995, there were 13 million only children, and in 2000 there were 16 million only children. One child families outnumber 2 child families and have more more than a decade. Over 1/5 of all families have only 1 child.

So why is the trend moving toward smaller families? We can answer that question by asking another question…why did people have large families 100 years ago?

1. Many families ran farms and children were needed as extra hands for chores and responsibilities.

2. Infant mortality was much higher.

3. People got married younger and started having children at a younger age.

4. Women stayed home and raised a family…they never even considered going out into the workforce initially, let alone after the first child was born.

Let’s ask another question. Why are more people stopping with one child today?

1. Women are having careers before getting married and/or before having children. They have fewer childbearing years and therefore fewer opportunities for children.

2. 1 out of 2 marriages end in divorce often before the second child is born.

3. 77% of women with children work. It is much easier to work with one child than 2 or more children. Women have found that they love being a mother, but they also love their job.

4. Having only 1 child allows greater financial fredeom and more opportunities for the family as a whole.