The Only Child Option

Well, I promised to post daily for 30 days and I am not being as faithful as I hoped.  Silly me for thinking I would have plenty of time on my hands when I went part-time.  I am spending more time with Joshua (my ultimate goal) but I think I increased the expectations on myself and so I still feel like I am constantly running to catch up.

I try to be honest about only child parenting.  Most of the time I write about positive experiences since most of my experiences are positive (I am a little biased).  However, this weekend has been challenging and I thought I would write on the trials of only child parenting.

My son Joshua needs a little more attention than some only children.  He has amblyopia – neurological lazy eye.  It means that his left eye is not being utilized by his brain – his right eye is 20/20 and his left eye is 20/200. We have until he is around 7-years old to get his brain to use his left eye or he will not have sight in his left eye or depth perception for the rest of his life (he’s 5 1/2).  He is being treated by an excellent ophthalmologist.  The treatment is either patching or putting dilating drops in the good eye to force his brain to use the weak eye. Recently, he went to wearing a patch on his good eye 3 1/2 hours a day.  Imagine having 20/200 vision.  The doctor put a glass over my eye once so I would know what Joshua is experiencing. Ugh!  On top of that, he has to do things that use his close-up vision because that works the brain the best.  Consequently, he needs “help” with almost everything he does.  If he is building with Legos, he needs help finding pieces, if he is coloring, he needs help finding colors, etc.  I also read to him, we play board games, etc.  In short, he needs concentrated attention.  I have found myself thinking more than once over the last few days that I wish I had another child so I could tell them to go play.  I know there are other challenges that go along with having multiple children but it would be nice to have a ready playmate for Joshua right now.  Would I change my situation for anything in the world?  Nope, not even for a ready-playmate, but thought has crossed my mind recently so I thought I would share.

Anyone have similar experiences and want to comment?  I have opened comments to readers as long as your register, so feel free to share your thoughts.

I wish those of you on the fence about whether to have an only child could see my son.  He is such a pleasure.  Today we painted the bedroom…he helped. : )  He was happy for the most part to play in my bedroom while I worked…I helped with his Legos when he needed it.

Tonight a friend came over.  Spencer is 9 (several years older than Joshua) and the younger of 2 children.  They had so much fun running around the house.  First they played with the completed Lego ships and then they played “Laser Tag”.  Joshua had no clue what “Laser Tag” was and was happy to follow Spencer’s directions.  Spencer who is the younger one at home was thrilled to be “teaching” Joshua a new game.   Joshua was happy to have someone to run and laugh and be silly with (besides mom and dad).

I am so blessed to have Joshua.  I could have read all the negative press about only children and tried for more children.  I am actually glad I didn’t.  Joshua completes our family.  He is a happy, well-balanced child and I thank God for him every day.

I have a friend who runs a child safety website called My Precious Kid.  She is an amazing lady and is truly committed to protecting children and keeping them safe.  On her website, she carries everything from car seats to stranger videos, sippy cups to safety locks, and everything else you can imagine.  Here are some of her main categories:

• Baby Feeding
• Baby Sleep
• Child ID Kits
• Child Safety
• Home Safety
• Safety Education
• Wearable ID

Go visit her and tell her Alicia from Beaded Royalty sent you!

We’ve all heard the stereotype…”only children are spoiled.”  Here’s a question for you – are they spoiled because a. they don’t have anyone at home to play with, b. it’s in their genes, or c. when mom and dad feel guilty about not providing a ready-playmate they give them everything they want and more?

I pick c.  I personally don’t have this problem because I have made a conscious decision to have just 1 child.  I don’t feel guilty and I don’t care what anyone else thinks of my decision.  It is the best decision for our family, and I am comfortable with it.  However, I think for parents that would like to have more children or who have opted not to have more for any number of reasons outside their control, things can become a substitute siblings.

I don’t think anyone ever sets out to spoil their child, but it is easy to do. I have thought long and hard about this one.  We have nice things, no debt and money to spare.  A lot of only child families are in the same boat.  We were older when we got married, so we were more financially secure when we had Joshua.  I could easily buy Joshua every toy ever made for boys.   Granted, those who know me will giggle because Joshua has a well-stocked play room, however, he does not get things “just because.” He gets them:

• for his birthday and Christmas (which a 1 week apart – boo!)
• when he earns it (I reward a good attitude with points that he can save for a small toy)
• when he sells something he has outgrown – he gets to spend the money

He certainly would like more “stuff.”  Every time we pass Toys R Us, we get the puppy dog eyes. But he understands that we don’t buy things unless there is a reason.  Mom and dad don’t buy everything we want either.  When he is disappointed in not getting that cool toy advertised on TV, we tell him about the widescreen TV we would like to have for the bedroom wall that is not budgeted right now.  Or the deck that would complete our backyard that hasn’t materialized.  I think we are teaching a balanced view of life. That’s not to say I have it all figured out.  Every phase of his life will introduce a new set of circumstances that will have to be addressed.  The key is being aware of the potential for overindulgence and doing what you can to prevent it.

This summer has been an experiment…an experiment in chaos.  I went back to work (after being home 5 years) this past June.  I started looking for a job in April thinking it would take me all summer, and I got an offer right away.  Great news, except that I had to find care for Joshua during the summer.  One reason I went back to work is because he is in school full-time in the fall.  I wasn’t happy that I had to leave him early.  My husband works from home 2 days a week and grandma was happy to spoil him 1 day a week.  That left 2 days up in the air.  A long-time friend lives on the way to work, so we decided to try leaving Joshua with her…introduce chaos.

Beth has 3 children 11, 7, and almost 5.  She lives in a neighborhood full of kids and usually has no less than 5 at her house at any given time.  She does fine with it and since her children have always lived in that environment, they do well with it too.  Joshua…not so much.  He spent the first couple weeks in shock.  He held it together, but I could tell he wasn’t happy.  I was so close to putting him at his school in their summer camp program to give him the structure he craved.  I am glad I held out – we finished the summer strong.  He relaxed and started venturing outside his comfort zone.  He went to the park adjacent to their back yard and made new friends; he played with the kids across the street; he went in the “big pool” as opposed to the kiddie pool; he did arts and crafts, read books, did puzzles and actually had a great time (gasp!).

Growing up in an only child family is different than growing up in a family with multiple kids.  Our house tends toward being calm and organized.  Joshua naturally prefers what he is used to – the activity at Aunt Beth’s house was uncomfortable for him in the beginning.  As we all know, life is not always calm and organized.  Our job as parents is to give our kids a safe environment in which to mature.  They will eventually leave the nest and the more preparation they have, the more successful they will be at this thing called life.