The Only Child Option

After moving from PA to TX, my only child Joshua started to whine and complain constantly.  It was his reaction to the huge change in his life.  Even though I understood the reason for his bad attitude, I still couldn’t allow him to act in a way that was unacceptable for our family. I had purchased “Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining and Bad Attitudes” by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller several months ago.  Now was the time to read it.

This is from the inside flap of the book:

“Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller offer a thorough program for establishing honor as a basis of family life — not just children honoring parents, but parents respecting children and children honoring each other. Even if honor seems a long way off in your household, you will find practical suggestions here to bring that goal a little closer — suggestions for kids of all ages. Honor is the biblical value that will bring about good behavior. It’s more than just changing what kids do; it’s changing the deeper issues of the heart that triggered the behavior.”

The book has a lot to offer and I have no doubt it will change the way our family relates.  It talks about honoring our family members in every interaction.  Give the gift of treating them well.  You wouldn’t give your friend a bag full of dirt, would you?  Neither should you give your family harsh words or bad treatment.  The bottom line is that we should treat each other with honor – as valuable treasures. Parents AND children. I have no delusions – my son has learned bad relational habits from mommy and daddy.  The buck stops here.

There are 2 methods you can use for teaching honor to children.  The first one is “Obey First and Then We’ll Talk About It.”  I don’t know about your child, but mine has a bad habit of trying to “get out” of everything I ask him to do.  He doesn’t just say “no” which would be easier to deal with.  He tries to debate giving me 10 reasons why he shouldn’t do it.  Now, when I ask Joshua to get ready for bed and he starts telling me all the reasons why he should be able to stay up, I tell him to get his PJs on and then we will talk about it.  It teaches him that while he does have some say, there are also times when he needs to follow instructions.

When children learn to follow instructions without arguing, you can progress to the second method – “The Wise Appeal.” Ben comes home from school exhausted from a long day.  All he wants to do is sit and listen to some CDs.  As soon as he walks in the door, his mom asks him to skim the pool for the guests that are coming over later tonight.  His first thought is to argue that it isn’t fair – then he changes his approach.  He tells his mom that he understands the pool needs to be skimmed but he is really tired.  Would she be ok with him skimming the pool in a hour before everyone arrives?  Everyone’s needs are met and everyone is happy.  ”The Wise Appeal” says:

“I understand that you want me to…because…”
“I have a problem with that because…”
“Could I please…?”

Children need to learn to appeal in an honoring way when they don’t agree.  It is something they will take with them into their jobs and their families when they get older. Do your family a favor – teach them about honor early in life.  They will thank you for it later!

I recently discovered the National Center for Biblical Parenting.  They give biblical-based parenting advice, their advice is also just plain good sense.  I got a free article called Tightening Your Action Point that I think gives a lot of insight into how to obtain obedience in your child or children.

You’ve all heard about counting to 3.  Kids learn that when you start counting, they are 3 counts away from being disciplined.  For some, this works great.  My son doesn’t need me to count to 3.  All I have to do is say “this is your warning” and he stops what he is doing.  My niece Emily, on the other hand, is a little less compliant.  I was talking to my brother the other day and he said when he starts to count, she just does whatever she is not supposed to be doing faster so she can finish before he gets to 3.   LOL

According to this article, getting to 3 would be the action point.  The kids know that when you get to 3, you will take action.  The key is getting to your action point before you get angry.  Kids react to anger and will likely do what you asked, however, it doesn’t address their heart or intentions.  Do you really just want blind obedience or do you want them to do the right thing because they know it is the right thing?  Take a look at the article – I think it is profound.  If you like what you see – take a look at the website. They do parenting seminars in churches across the country if you learn by listening, this might be a good option.  Enjoy!

What an eye-opener the last month has been for me…both as a parent and as a person. When I was growing up, I played softball in elementary school and then ran track and cross country through middle school, high school and college. Since I participated largely in individual sports, I never really seriously competed in a game where the object was to keep the ball away from an opponent.

Let’s face it. We spend years teaching our children how to share and not take things away from others. Then we send them out in the soccer field and tell them to steal the ball from the other team and run away with it! I can understand how this might be a little confusing for a 5 year old.

Being an only child further compounds the situation. Only children don’t have to fight for their toys – they are the only one there. Granted, Joshua has been in plenty of situations where he had to share, but always under supervision. If the kids started to fight when I was babysitting, I would only let it get so far before I intervened. Children with siblings have more opportunity to fight and “win” before mom and dad intervene. My brother and I tussled often and I quickly learned to defend my turf.

No worries, really. It has been a great experience. I can’t TELL you how wonderful it feels to see Joshua’s face light up when he blocks a ball or makes a solid kick. Encourage your children to try sports. It may not be for them, but they won’t know unless they try. I told Joshua from the beginning – we would finish this season out since he wanted to try it. Next season wold be 100% his choice. And who knows, “Joshie” just might like it!

I learned a very important lesson last week. I am not proud of how I CAME to my conclusion, but I thought sharing it might help some who haven’t gotten to organized sports with their kids yet (or maybe some who have, but are frustrated by a similar situation).

My son started playing with the local soccer club a few weeks ago. As a general rule, he is nervous in new situations. It is just his personality. I try to keep a positive outlook and nudge him forward. He is usually fine once he gets started, but with soccer, he ended up crying a few times each practice. There were 2 other kids crying intermittently also, so I started to think maybe we had a bad coach. I mean, soccer is supposed to instill a love of the game, not terror and frustration. I got myself all worked up, and was ready to confront him. I decided I would watch one more practice before saying anything.

I had an epiphany. It isn’t that the coach is bad – it is just that he is at the opposite end of the personality spectrum from my son. Joshua is shy and sensitive. The coach is confident and matter-of-fact. He has a lot to teach the kids. He is clearly an expert with plenty of experience. So at the end of practice, instead of confronting him on his “bad” coaching style, I asked him what I could do to help Joshua like soccer more. Joshua’s crying bouts had mostly been when someone would steal the ball away from him. The coach suggested I practice doing that at home so it would become an ok thing at practice. Joshua was fuming mad at me the first time I went out and tried it with him (his frustration on the field was tears, with me, it was anger). The second time it was more like a game (that’s what soccer IS). I will try again tonight and then practice is Tuesday. Here’s hoping and praying we don’t have anymore tears.

Thank goodness I didn’t open my big mouth and “roar” like a momma bear at the coach. His only fault is that is isn’t like my son. LOL

I have a friend who runs a child safety website called My Precious Kid.  She is an amazing lady and is truly committed to protecting children and keeping them safe.  On her website, she carries everything from car seats to stranger videos, sippy cups to safety locks, and everything else you can imagine.  Here are some of her main categories:

• Baby Feeding
• Baby Sleep
• Child ID Kits
• Child Safety
• Home Safety
• Safety Education
• Wearable ID

Go visit her and tell her Alicia from Beaded Royalty sent you!