The Only Child Option

This article will be published in 2 categories - myths and truths.  It is completely dependent on the child whether they will have an imaginary friend or not.  Some singletons have imaginary friends and some children with siblings have imaginary friends.  I have a girlfriend whose 3-year old daughter has an entire imaginary family, mother, father and siblings.  AND, she has a real brother too!

My son has an imaginary friend named Gang-gang.  I have no problem with Joshua inventing a playmate, but I do have a problem with him using Gang-gang as his scapegoat.  Here are some recent examples: “Gang-gang told me to say bad words”, “Gang-gang told me to pee on the floor”, etc.  It reminds me of the Family Circle cartoon from many years ago that showed a broken lamp and all the children answering “not me” to mom’s question of “who did it?”  Meanwhile a little ghost named “Not Me” is running away…

I called my best friend who has 3 children and asked her what to do.  Her response was simple (and effective).  Tell Joshua that if Gang-gang is going to continue living in your household, he would have to abide by the rules.  If he didn’t follow the rules, he would have to find another home.  I added that Joshua was responsible for his actions and if he did something at Gang-gang’s behest, he would be punished.  He listened very seriously to my speech nodding all along and I don’t expect any further problems.  My friend said, “Of course, you caught him at his game!”

In conclusion, imaginary friends are not necessarily an only-child phenomenon.  They can show up in both only-child and multi-child families.  In either case, they are a normal part of childhood development and nothing to worry about.  You just have to keep them under control! LOL : )

Sociologist Judith Blake looked at a group of 6-11 year old boys over the course of several years. She recorded how often they participated in group activities as compared to solitary pursuits. She found that children from 1 and 2-child families spent significantly more time pursuing cultural interests such as music and the arts. They also spent more time playing by themselves.

In my opinion, this is not rocket science. How many of you from big families ever tried to listen to a classical music piece when there were siblings running through the room?? It just isn’t possible to play by yourself much when there are other family members who want to spent time with you. Whether it is the younger sister who wants to be just like big brother or vise versa, there is almost always someone demanding an audience.

Another thing to take into consideration is that many solitary pursuits require peace and quiet. A 15-year old with 4 younger siblings is not likely going to pick up musical composition because it requires large periods of quiet contemplation (a rarity in a large family!).   But just because only children have the environment necessary to enjoy solitary pursuits doesn’t mean they don’t like playing with others.  That’s like comparing apples to oranges…

So the question that follows is “Do only children feel lonely?” The answer is that most do not. Only children growing up without siblings don’t know what it is like to have someone around all the time. If their childhood is pleasant in other aspects (good living conditions, parents who get along, etc), they are going to appreciate what they have - they don’t know any different. In reality, many only children appreciate the fact that they have their parents all to themselves. : )

An examination of young children who are extremely inhibited as compared to those who are uninhibited concluded there is a biological basis for childhood shyness. Only children were found to be shy just as often as children with siblings (Kagan, J.; Reznick, J.S.; and Snidman, N. “Biological Bases of Childhood Shyness.” Science, Vol. 240 Apr. 8, 1998, pp. 167-71).

In practice, it makes sense that only children would be less shy, not more shy. After all, they don’t have siblings at home they can “fall back” on. I had a brother 2 1/2 years younger than me, but I was painfully shy all through my school years. I can count the number of friends I had on one hand.

So should you worry about your only child being shy? Probably not. Society is changing - we schedule “play dates” for our children as young as 6 months old. Daycare and preschool are almost universal where only children can learn to fight and play with the best of them. My son stays home with me, so daycare is not a factor, but I have taken care of a little girl his age since they were both 7 months old. We go to church and put Joshua in a Sunday School class with 15 other children every week. We live in a mobile society, we are not sitting at home watching soap operas and eating bon- bons.