The Only Child Option

 by Amelie Veegaet

I am questioning whether or not I should have another child. My first child Rose (now 3) was born with multiple birth defects.  I have never been able to find stories from families who decided to stop after one child because their first was born with medical issues. I feel our family is complete, but I feel pressure from Rose’s beloved grandmother. Grandma was a single child who says she suffered greatly from it.  I wonder if the fact that Grandma was adopted by a depressed and mentally ill woman did not have a greater impact on her suffering as a child.  Grandma would love for Rose to have a brother or sister and doesn’t miss an opportunity to remind us of how much better life would be for Rose if she had a sibling.

Each of my coworkers’ pregnancies triggers jealousy. I am not really sure why - I have two siblings, but we were never close. I am the oldest, and was in charge of taking care of them when they were kids. My mom received the same kind of pressure to have multiple children from her mom who was the oldest of 7. At the age of 20, tired of taking care of my siblings, I left the beautiful country of France where I was born and never went back. I maintain a good relationship with my mom and I am convinced that the long distance has something to do with it. : )

I love having a single child because of all the fun things I do with her that I didn’t do as a child. I like to discover books, music and art with her. I have taken the time to teach her French and she is now bilingual. She takes gymnastics and ballet lessons.

Our situation is a bit different because of the medical issues we deal with on a regular basis. When someone asks us why we are not trying to conceive, I feel like telling them to come and take care of Rose for a day. Maybe they would understand after 24 hours of handling a trach, gastrostomy tube, 13 doctors and surgeons, therapies…it is a full time job. Rose has a wonderful nurse that stays at home with her. I work full time and I need it - I feel refreshed when I go home at night. I love my job and it keeps me going, but I love my daughter more than anything else. I have fought for her to survive with all my soul. I feel like adding another child to the equation would throw me over the edge. But I want to turn down the jealous and guilty voices in my head. It is not easy…

by K.R. Pinkston

“Why do you only have one child? Don’t you know that only children have it harder?”

These questions from neighbors and well-meaning friends hurt. They don’t know that I have kept the manufacturers of pregnancy tests in business over the past years.

Nevertheless, I do not blame them. After all, my friend from elementary school is an only child, and I remember that I pitied and, at times, envied her. The adults around me pointed out that all single children are selfish, socially inept and spoiled. I took these stereotypical beliefs with me into adulthood, not knowing that my way of thinking would be tested.

After we got married, we did not have children right away. I needed to get used to the military way of life, and I wanted to finish my degree before we embarked on the long road of parenthood. That road started with the birth of our son.

I loved being a stay-at-home mother. In retrospect, I do not know exactly why we did not try to have a second child soon afterward.  Maybe I thought that we could not handle the upcoming move to an overseas duty station with two little ones. Why rush? After all, we had plenty of time to expand our family of three.

September 11, 2001 changed our lives. My husband’s frequent training, trips and long days cut our family time. Like many other military spouses I had become a single mother overnight. We talked about having another child. Soon. Not now, when everything was so busy and so uncertain. We would wait a few more months. No hurry.

This wait turned into years. After an unexpected 14-months deployment, he reported for another duty station far away from us. During that time he found out that he had contracted tuberculosis. Not contagious; yet, he needed to take medications. When we finally lived together again, it was summer of 2004. Now we would have our second, and maybe a third, child.

But it did not happen. Some doctors blamed his medications.

“Just relax,” another doctor told us. “You’ve been pregnant before, and your body knows what to do.”

After another move, we tried fertility drugs. No second child. The doctors blamed our age. What I did not tell the doctors was that I blamed myself. Why had we not tried to have another child before 2001? Why had we waited? We so much longed for another child. What had we done to deserve this?

We missed our opportunity to have another child. Now we would have a selfish, socially inept and spoiled only child.

“Why don’t I have a brother or sister? Why am I by myself?” Our son wanted to know.

I was honest with him, explaining every time that we had wanted to have other children. When he was in second grade, he came home one day, saying that he was the only child in the class who did not have a sibling.
“I’m sorry,” I said, swallowing hard to push down the feeling of inadequacy. “I wish I could change it.”

He shook his head. “Well, don’t. It’s fine. Really. Because you can cuddle up with me every night and read a book together. Makayla said her mom never reads with her at night because it wakes up the twins.”

That exchange forced me to look at the facts. I had focused only on the negative aspects and forgotten that raising a single child has many advantages. It was time I changed my perspective.

This did not happen overnight. Each day I worked at seeing opportunities rather than misfortune. One advantage of having a single child is that I have time to talk with him and share a variety of activities without interruption from other siblings. Sure, he lacks the companionship of another sibling; yet, his friends make up for it. Contrary to my stereotypical beliefs and fears, our son turned out to be very social, extroverted and happy.  Also, when he is at home he has learned to occupy himself.

A few days ago, we went together to Rome. Perhaps this would be an example of spoiling our only child, but I see it as taking advantage of being stationed overseas and expanding his education. The same is true for extra curriculum activities. Since I do not have other kids to drive to different sports or activities, he can pick and choose according to his special interests.

Yes, I wanted to have a second child, but I cannot change our past decisions, let alone world events.  It is no good to lament over the past. Everything happens for a reason even if it took me a long while to understand that reason. Although we missed the opportunity to have another child, I do not want to miss the opportunity to raise our single child in a loving family – even if our family is small. I am more grateful now, and I also do not take blessings for granted.  I am thankful that we have one healthy child who keeps me on my toes. Raising a single child is a gift.

I received an email a few months ago from Alan, an adult only child, who felt my presentation of only child parenting was incomplete.  While I personally feel that having an only child is the best thing for my family and can be a GOOD thing for any family, I do acknowledge that there are important things to keep in mind as you raise an only child.

Here are some only-child stereotypes from the perspective of an only child:

1. Spoiled - this can be a natural consequence for any only child. They do, by definition, get all the goodies - presents, holidays, the lot. I know I benefited greatly from this; I’ve had private tutors when I needed them, I had relatively few restrictions on what books, computers and gadgets I could have, and I have been to over half a dozen countries.  I have since learned that these are privileges, not rights and I feel guilty for being greedy at times.
2. Can’t share - the absence of sharing can be fundamental to the only-child experience. To put it bluntly, children with siblings learn how to share out of necessity. When you have siblings, you can’t take it for grated that your things will be left untouched when you’re away. Having playmates does not always accomplish the same thing since you can seek the refuge of home where you don’t have to share.
3. Overprotected - only children get more attention and protection because their parents’ attention is not divided. Siblings learn how argue, push, shove, and fight in a safe environment.
4. Domineering - only children never experience living with other individuals of equivalent power.  They don’t have the opportunity to test the limits of their control in a safe environment.
5. Lonely - the most painful part of being an only child for me is that all my parents expectations, dreams, and desires are resting on my shoulders.  As a only child you can feel like an outsider, especially during holidays.
6. Self centered - all babies think they’re the center of the universe. When you have siblings you realize at an early age that there are other people on your level. If parents don’t make an effort to help an only child understand there are others who must be considered, the shock can be significant.

From the perspective of an only child, here are some things I think that can improve the only child experience:

1. LET YOUR KID BE A KID! Through circumstances outside my parents control I had to take charge and be responsible at a very early age.  This meant I didn’t have the opportunity to be a kid during my childhood and teenage years.  Do everything possible to allow your child to ‘hang out’ with kids their own age - both sexes - even if you feel like you’re running a free child-minding service.
2. Never tell your child what occupation they should choose. Your child has enough pressure without feeling like they have to choose the career you picked for them.  Thank God my parents didn’t expect me to become a lawyer or doctor or I’d have jumped off a building a long time ago.
3. Never tell your child when they are small the reason you didn’t have more children is because of a difficult pregnancy.  The guilt will crush them. (My father held off telling me until I was 15 that the reason I didn’t have siblings was that my mother had two miscarriages before having me.)
4. I’m torn right now about the single-sex schools which I attended.  Granted, I did learn more academically, but I never learned how to interact with girls which I’m trying desperately to learn now.
5. Get decent life and disability insurance and let your child know as soon as they can understand what this means. There is no worse fear for an only child then the prospect of having to care for a sick or dying parent on their own. My own parents worry me enormously. I knew very early in life that if anything were to happen to either of my parents everything would come down to me. The fear of being unable to take care of them gives me a very low tolerance for risk.

I know my comments seem harsh, but I don’t think I will never be ‘normal’ as a result of being an only child. I don’t entirely blame my parents, but if I could turn back time and have a little sister I would do it in a flash.

Thank you for your input, Alan.  As I said above, I truly feel that in today’s society, we can raise healthy, happy only children that will benefit greatly from being singletons.

This article will be published in 2 categories - myths and truths.  It is completely dependent on the child whether they will have an imaginary friend or not.  Some singletons have imaginary friends and some children with siblings have imaginary friends.  I have a girlfriend whose 3-year old daughter has an entire imaginary family, mother, father and siblings.  AND, she has a real brother too!

My son has an imaginary friend named Gang-gang.  I have no problem with Joshua inventing a playmate, but I do have a problem with him using Gang-gang as his scapegoat.  Here are some recent examples: “Gang-gang told me to say bad words”, “Gang-gang told me to pee on the floor”, etc.  It reminds me of the Family Circle cartoon from many years ago that showed a broken lamp and all the children answering “not me” to mom’s question of “who did it?”  Meanwhile a little ghost named “Not Me” is running away…

I called my best friend who has 3 children and asked her what to do.  Her response was simple (and effective).  Tell Joshua that if Gang-gang is going to continue living in your household, he would have to abide by the rules.  If he didn’t follow the rules, he would have to find another home.  I added that Joshua was responsible for his actions and if he did something at Gang-gang’s behest, he would be punished.  He listened very seriously to my speech nodding all along and I don’t expect any further problems.  My friend said, “Of course, you caught him at his game!”

In conclusion, imaginary friends are not necessarily an only-child phenomenon.  They can show up in both only-child and multi-child families.  In either case, they are a normal part of childhood development and nothing to worry about.  You just have to keep them under control! LOL : )

Sociologist Judith Blake looked at a group of 6-11 year old boys over the course of several years. She recorded how often they participated in group activities as compared to solitary pursuits. She found that children from 1 and 2-child families spent significantly more time pursuing cultural interests such as music and the arts. They also spent more time playing by themselves.

In my opinion, this is not rocket science. How many of you from big families ever tried to listen to a classical music piece when there were siblings running through the room?? It just isn’t possible to play by yourself much when there are other family members who want to spent time with you. Whether it is the younger sister who wants to be just like big brother or vise versa, there is almost always someone demanding an audience.

Another thing to take into consideration is that many solitary pursuits require peace and quiet. A 15-year old with 4 younger siblings is not likely going to pick up musical composition because it requires large periods of quiet contemplation (a rarity in a large family!).   But just because only children have the environment necessary to enjoy solitary pursuits doesn’t mean they don’t like playing with others.  That’s like comparing apples to oranges…

So the question that follows is “Do only children feel lonely?” The answer is that most do not. Only children growing up without siblings don’t know what it is like to have someone around all the time. If their childhood is pleasant in other aspects (good living conditions, parents who get along, etc), they are going to appreciate what they have - they don’t know any different. In reality, many only children appreciate the fact that they have their parents all to themselves. : )

An examination of young children who are extremely inhibited as compared to those who are uninhibited concluded there is a biological basis for childhood shyness. Only children were found to be shy just as often as children with siblings (Kagan, J.; Reznick, J.S.; and Snidman, N. “Biological Bases of Childhood Shyness.” Science, Vol. 240 Apr. 8, 1998, pp. 167-71).

In practice, it makes sense that only children would be less shy, not more shy. After all, they don’t have siblings at home they can “fall back” on. I had a brother 2 1/2 years younger than me, but I was painfully shy all through my school years. I can count the number of friends I had on one hand.

So should you worry about your only child being shy? Probably not. Society is changing - we schedule “play dates” for our children as young as 6 months old. Daycare and preschool are almost universal where only children can learn to fight and play with the best of them. My son stays home with me, so daycare is not a factor, but I have taken care of a little girl his age since they were both 7 months old. We go to church and put Joshua in a Sunday School class with 15 other children every week. We live in a mobile society, we are not sitting at home watching soap operas and eating bon- bons.