The Only Child Option

It is finally here!  I was one of the people interviewed for The Case for the Only Child by Susan Newman, PhD.  You have to read it!! It was actually released on June 1, 2011.  I pre-ordered it and got it the first week.  I have been trying to finish it so I could give a full review of the book, but my schedule just isn’t allowing me to read it fast enough.

I do want to let everyone know that there is a FAB new book on only child parenting out – The Case for the Only Child.  The first few chapters are amazing.  I will be posting as I come across nuggets while reading.  In the meantime, I leave you with my favorite quote from the book so far, having just one child is the “place in between children and childlessness.”  There is another option!

Many of us have heard, “but they won’t have siblings.”  My answer is, “so.”

I have gone through the myths and sufficiently address why they are incorrect or invalid.  Giving a sibling to your child is NOT a good reason to have another child – I don’t care who you are!  The main “concern” is that only children lack social skills.  This is simply not the case based on research released by Ohio State University on August 16, 2010.  There are 3 articles I found that discuss the issue at length. I linked to all of them because the viewpoints are slightly different as are the comments at the end.

Growing Up Without Sibs Doesn’t Hurt Social Skills

What Difference do Siblings Make?

An Only Child is Not a More Lonely Teenager

Happy reading!

Often, when people trying to convince me having an only child is the wrong choice exhaust all the traditional (and now debunked) myths, they try a different tactic:

“You’re just selfish.”

Why? Because I acknowledge my inability to give any more of who I am to another person? They say you can’t get blood from a turnip. Just because children are the ultimate sacrifice doesn’t mean that I am selfish when I decide to stop at one sacrifice. I know my limits. I like my life. I have time and energy for my husband, my son, a part-time job that gets me out with adults using my degree, and a clean house where the laundry is done (most of the time!). I like that I can offer my child the opportunity of private school.

Richard Swenson wrote “Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives.” Just because I CAN add another child to my family, doesn’t mean I SHOULD. We live our lives racing from one thing to another. My life has enough of that without adding another little life to the mix. I went from full-time work outside the home to part-time because I didn’t have any “margin.” I didn’t have enough time to work full-time and feel I spent adequate time with my precious son. Could I quit my job entirely and have another child? Probably, but then we would have LESS resources and MORE responsibilities.

Being realistic about what I can handle and afford (without going into debt) is not selfish. It is simply another argument used by those who think having multiple children is the only choice.

I didn’t think I would see the day.  Time Magazine’s July 19th edition (due to hit news stands today) contains a cover story called “The Only Child Myth”.  You can read an excerpt here, but I for one will be buying the issue at my local grocery store.

The only child myth started in 1896 when Granville Hall did a study where he concluded that only children where “oddballs and peculiar”.  Psychologists disseminated and supported his research for years, until the 1970′s when Toni Falbo did a huge study with tens of thousands of only children in China and the US.  Her conclusions were different.  Yes, only children get everything their parents have to give since they are the only one on the receiving end, but they also scored higher on intelligence and achievement for the same reason – more concentrated resources and opportunities.

My favorite part of the article is a quote by psychologist Carl Pickhardt, who says, “There’s no question that only children are highly indulged and highly protected. You’ve been given more attention and nurturing to develop yourself. But that’s not the same thing as being selfish. On balance, that level of parental involvement is a good thing. All that attention is the energy for your self-esteem and achievement.” But, he adds, “everything is double-edged. And everything is formative.”  As with everything in life, there are pluses and minuses to having just one child.  For our family, the pluses outweigh the minuses. However, I do have friends who feel differently and who raise a larger family successfully. It all depends on who you are ans what is comfortable for you. Only YOU can decide.

Susan Newman, PhD has done it again…another great article.  This one tickled my funny bone.  In her latest post Coins, Warts, Asthma, Eczema, she discusses some “research” (if you can call it that) designed to show only children in a negative light.  Maybe it is just me, but asthma and eczema can’t possibly have anything to do with whether a child has a sibling or not.  My son was diagnosed with both maladies before he was even 1 AND we were still thinking about another child at that point.  For heavens sake people, at least come up with something that is hard to disprove.  Asthma?  It is a genetic disorder passed down through family members and caused by environmental irritants.  My mom has it, I have it and my son has it.  End of story.  If I had more children, they would likely have it.  At least I got a good laugh out of it. : )