I have gone through the myths and sufficiently address why they are incorrect or invalid.  Giving a sibling to your child is NOT a good reason to have another child – I don’t care who you are!  The main “concern” is that only children lack social skills.  This is simply not the case based on research released by Ohio State University on August 16, 2010.  There are 3 articles I found that discuss the issue at length. I linked to all of them because the viewpoints are slightly different as are the comments at the end.

Growing Up Without Sibs Doesn’t Hurt Social Skills

What Difference do Siblings Make?

An Only Child is Not a More Lonely Teenager

Happy reading!

“You’re just selfish.”

Why? Because I acknowledge my inability to give any more of who I am to another person? They say you can’t get blood from a turnip. Just because children are the ultimate sacrifice doesn’t mean that I am selfish when I decide to stop at one sacrifice. I know my limits. I like my life. I have time and energy for my husband, my son, a part-time job that gets me out with adults using my degree, and a clean house where the laundry is done (most of the time!). I like that I can offer my child the opportunity of private school.

Richard Swenson wrote “Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives.” Just because I CAN add another child to my family, doesn’t mean I SHOULD. We live our lives racing from one thing to another. My life has enough of that without adding another little life to the mix. I went from full-time work outside the home to part-time because I didn’t have any “margin.” I didn’t have enough time to work full-time and feel I spent adequate time with my precious son. Could I quit my job entirely and have another child? Probably, but then we would have LESS resources and MORE responsibilities.

Being realistic about what I can handle and afford (without going into debt) is not selfish. It is simply another argument used by those who think having multiple children is the only choice.

I didn’t think I would see the day.  Time Magazine’s July 19th edition (due to hit newsstands today) contains a cover story called “The Only Child Myth”.  You can read an excerpt here, but I for one will be buying the issue at my local grocery store.

The only-children myth started in 1896 when Granville Hall did a study where he concluded that only children where “oddballs and peculiar”.  Psychologists disseminated and supported his research for years, until the 1970′s when Toni Falbo did a huge study with tens of thousands of only children in China and the US.  Her conclusions were different.  Yes, only children get everything their parents have to give since they are the only one on the receiving end, but they also scored higher on intelligence and achievement for the same reason – more concentrated resources and opportunities.

My favorite part of the article is a quote by psychologist Carl Pickhardt, who says, “There’s no question that only children are highly indulged and highly protected. You’ve been given more attention and nurturing to develop yourself. But that’s not the same thing as being selfish. On balance, that level of parental involvement is a good thing. All that attention is the energy for your self-esteem and achievement.” But, he adds, “everything is double-edged. And everything is formative.”  As with everything in life, there are pluses and minuses to having just one child.  For our family, the pluses outweigh the minuses.  However, I have friends who feel differently and who raise a larger family successfully.

I am questioning whether or not I should have another child. My first child Rose (now 3) was born with multiple birth defects.  I have never been able to find stories from families who decided to stop after one child because their first was born with medical issues. I feel our family is complete, but I feel pressure from Rose’s beloved grandmother. Grandma was a single child who says she suffered greatly from it.  I wonder if the fact that Grandma was adopted by a depressed and mentally ill woman did not have a greater impact on her suffering as a child.  Grandma would love for Rose to have a brother or sister and doesn’t miss an opportunity to remind us of how much better life would be for Rose if she had a sibling.

Each of my coworkers’ pregnancies triggers jealousy. I am not really sure why – I have two siblings, but we were never close. I am the oldest, and was in charge of taking care of them when they were kids. My mom received the same kind of pressure to have multiple children from her mom who was the oldest of 7. At the age of 20, tired of taking care of my siblings, I left the beautiful country of France where I was born and never went back. I maintain a good relationship with my mom and I am convinced that the long distance has something to do with it. : )

I love having a single child because of all the fun things I do with her that I didn’t do as a child. I like to discover books, music and art with her. I have taken the time to teach her French and she is now bilingual. She takes gymnastics and ballet lessons.

Our situation is a bit different because of the medical issues we deal with on a regular basis. When someone asks us why we are not trying to conceive, I feel like telling them to come and take care of Rose for a day. Maybe they would understand after 24 hours of handling a trach, gastrostomy tube, 13 doctors and surgeons, therapies…it is a full time job. Rose has a wonderful nurse that stays at home with her. I work full time and I need it – I feel refreshed when I go home at night. I love my job and it keeps me going, but I love my daughter more than anything else. I have fought for her to survive with all my soul. I feel like adding another child to the equation would throw me over the edge. But I want to turn down the jealous and guilty voices in my head. It is not easy…