The Only Child Option

I write this post as a Rambling, but there are plenty of nuggets to glean for helping your only child through a temporary living situation.

We moved 1 month ago from PA to TX.  Our house is for sale, and rather than stay in PA while Dad started his job alone, we opted to join him. We left our “stuff” in the 3200 squ ft house, rented furniture, and now all 5 of us – Mom, Dad, Joshua, Maggie and Mindy (our 2 Spinger Spaniels) – live in a 700 squ ft apartment.  Oy!  We are living in less than 25% of the living space, and we have to walk to the dogs (rain, sun, wind, etc) rather than let them out into an Invisible Fenced yard. We have 1 bedroom and 1 bathroom – down from 4 and 3.  We share a closet and a dresser. We have learned to use our space wisely! Thankfully we have a full-size washer and dryer.

So how do we keep our sanity?  It isn’t easy.  We have our moments when the best thing for 1 or more of us to do is to go exercise, take a walk, go for a drive, etc. But even in this tiny place, we each have our own space.  Dad has the nightstand in the bedroom from which he does the budget and pays the bills.  Mom has the kitchen table from which I run my Beaded Royalty jewelry business.  Joshua has an alcove in the bedroom with books, stuffed animals and a small toy box.  He also has a tendency to take over the living room coffee table with his Legos. LOL

My first step toward stability was to find a private school for Joshua.  We hit the ground running when we arrived in Texas and I think we found one that is a good fit. We have to complete the application process before we have a final answer, so at this point our poor child doesn’t even know where he is going to school next year.  In an effort to keep him connected to friends, we tried to keep in touch with his classmates in PA.  Bad idea. There are apparently 2 types of kids when it comes to moving. Those that cling and those that separate.  My son wanted to separate.  How did we know?  Every time we talked about connecting with the kids in PA, we would remember negative things.  That was strange because our son was usually positive.  It turns out he was saying, “I want to leave PA behind and move forward with TX.”

Our next step toward stability is to find a church.  There are SO many in the Dallas area that it is mind-boggling. Initially I was thinking that we should hold off finding a permanent church because we didn’t know where we would ultimately live.  However, as I watch the houses that become available in our price range and meet our requirements, they are popping up in the same general areas.  I think it would help Joshua to have a church to call “home.”  We were active at our church in PA and he had friends that he only saw at church. One thing we will do until we decide on a church is keep Joshua with us in the main service. He is old enough to pick up on some of what the pastor is saying and colored pencils and paper keep him from getting bored.  I just don’t think it would be fair to ask him to go to a new Sunday school class every Sunday. That would throw ME off!

One permanent thing we have done is get TX license plates on my car.  We did that yesterday and it makes the whole move seem a little more definite.

This spring we moved from Harrisburg, PA to Dallas, TX with our 6 year old only child.  We have been here about a month and I have learned more about moving cross country than I could relate in a lifetime.  I will start at the beginning.

My husband lived in the same area of PA his entire life except for a year he spent in Chicago after college.  He started talking about moving someplace warmer 2 years ago.  Because I had lived in Fort Worth, TX as a child and liked it, I told him I would move to the Dallas/Fort Worth area thinking that would be the end of it.  Last August, he got the call that started our process of moving 1500 miles.

We broached the subject of moving with our only child right away.  He was 5 at the time and even though there were people who said we shouldn’t involve him early in the process (what if it didn’t come to fruition), we decided it was best.  Part of it was Joshua’s personality – he has a scientific brain and likes to collect all the facts before jumping in. If we sprang a move on him at the last minute, he wouldn’t have had a chance to process it. Because we talked to him about it early, he was able to ask questions along the way.

Being an only child, he didn’t have siblings with whom to discuss the in’s and out’s of moving. I think opening the lines of communication regarding the move and accepting his input was important.  Even though he really didn’t have a “say” in whether we moved, we made sure that we addressed his concerns directly and completely. I moved from TX to PA when I was 9.  I had a 6 year old brother at the time and while I don’t remember discussing it with him, I don’t remember the move being particularly difficult either.

I remember playing with my brother in the yard and in the basement of our rental house that first year.  Even though I didn’t have many friends in the neighborhood or at school (I was painfully shy), I had a ready-made playmate (and adversary) at home.  For some, childcare or school may provide playmates for your only child after a move.  In our case, we are fortunate to have friends that moved from PA to TX 2 months before us.  Ben, Ellie and Abby are like family and it is a blessing to have them so close to our new home. We make a point to visit them once a week so Joshua has a point of constancy in our crazy “temporary” life.

Here is an email from one of our site visitors. I asked if I could share it since it seems to reflect a common viewpoint.

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I just wanted to thank you for your website!

I have one daughter who is 3 and a half years old now and is our only child. My husband really doesn’t want another child and so I’m slowly coming to terms with this fact. Unlike you and your husband, we didn’t realize this would be the case when we got married. In fact, my hubby didn’t even know until the birth of our little girl. He was so taken aback by the whole change in life and really can’t face going back to those difficult first few months.

I was desperate for another child with the hopes of them having a loving caring relationship like I have with my sister. I never thought I wouldn’t have that, I always thought I would have 2 (preferably girls) that would grow and play together with a life time bond that only they could share. Someone to share all their memories with. Someone to call on whenever she’s needed with unconditional love. My husband is the youngest of 4 and told me that as a child he frequently imagined being an only child. I never had a thought like that, not once.

I am now living in Canada and my sister lives in England. I miss her terribly especially now she’s expecting her first baby this coming summer. Already, there is a good reason for my daughter to be an only child – no emotional ties holding her back! She’ll have the freedom to explore our world and make memories for her to cherish but still, I’m having difficulties with this decision.

I am finding it harder and harder as all of our friends start having their second and then even talking about a third! Especially those moms that head straight back to work or are just doing it for the sake of “the norm”. My mum was an only child, as was my mother-in-law and they are the worst at judging and putting their tuppence worth in!

I am looking forward to reading through your website and finding comfort in yours’ and other peoples positive views )

Beckie

…people ask “aren’t you going to have another child?”

First of all, a more important question – why do people feel they can ask such a personal question and then press their less-than-subtle opinion on us?   If you are the parent of an only child, you have heard the question before.  It is easier for those of us who have an only child by choice.  However, if your only child is not by choice, it can be especially painful.  When it comes to the subject of only children some people are just stuck in the dark ages – they check their reason and manners at the door.

It seems the older my son gets (he’s 5 1/2), the less I am asked.  Maybe they figure at this point I have made up my mind. Those of you with just one baby – look out – you are in their sights! Good grief!  It’s like asking a bald guy if he has ever considered hair replacement therapy. It just isn’t any of their business.

I digress.  Here are some cute quips and responses from the BabyCenter forum for Parents of Only Children*:

1. I’ll have one just for you. How would you like to pay, cash or charge?
2. You can have “just one.” They aren’t potato chips.
3. I don’t need to have more, you (or the Duggers) had extras.
4. Nope – your kids are my birth control.
5. The factory is closed and has been converted to an amusement park.
6. What’s wrong with the one I already have?
7. My first was perfect – why press my luck?
8. At my age, no way.
9. I had 4 kids, but I ate the others. (Dumb question begets a dumb response.)
10. We were planning to have more, but after spending time with yours we’ve changed our minds.
11. We’re good with one. We want to have the time and money for leisure, travel, and to spend one-on-one time with our child.
12. Will you be paying for diapers, daycare and college for the second child?
13. This isn’t the 1600′s. We don’t need to breed farm hands.
14. No…because having multiple children isn’t the only choice. : )

If you have additional suggestions or comments, please share!  : )

* Printed with permission.

I have been stymied over the last few years by the utter LACK of websites dedicated to only child parenting and realities of being an only child. NOW I know why – everyone is over at the only child discussion forums. LOL : )

I have spent the afternoon finding some active only child discussion forums, signing up and introducing myself. I am hoping some of the members come visit Only Child Option. The more people we have commenting and suggesting subject matter, the better we will be for everyone who stops by to visit. Here are a few to get you started:

Your Only Child at iVillage

Parents of an Only Child at SheKnows

Parents of Only Children at BabyCenter

Only Child Network at ProBoards

Have any other suggestions? Found some place where they really understand the only child dilemma? Tell us about it in the comments below!