The Only Child Option

Social Psychologist Susan Newman, PhD speaks up on this subject in her recent Singletons blog post Mothers with One Child are Happiest.  I tend to agree with her - especially those moms with my temperament.  I mean, I was created to have 1 child:

• I am a perfectionist who likes my house clean, organized and relatively quiet.
• I like life to be predictable - children by nature are not.
• While I have many friends, only a few people know me well.
• One of my best friends has parties with 100+ people.  My perfect gathering is less than 15.

My son is such a great kid.  He’s smart, well-balanced and funny.  I hear about people who have a second child because their first was so easy.  Inevitably, they end up with a wild-child.  I am no longer willing to take that risk.  How many kids = happiness for me? One.

by D.L.

As far as being an only child versus having brothers and sisters…  I grew up independent, unafraid of spending time alone, and comfortable around adults as well as kids.  I always had a couple of best friends with whom I was close with like sisters.  I don’t remember feeling lonely or “different” as an only.  My best friend as a child was an only too.  There have been times in life I wondered what it would have been like but in my case, I feel it was all for the best.  My husband grew up with one sister and they are not particularly close as adults.  So, having a sibling does not guarantee lifelong companions or protect one from loneliness, etc…

I feel that people who judge or question others for having one child only need to get a life and get some manners.  First, it is none of anyone’s business…period.  Secondly,  there are a many good reasons for choosing only to have one.  My husband and I chose not to have children at all.  If other women choose to ostracize me for not being a mother, then that is THEIR problem.  I have had wonderful “sister-like” friends all my life and am happy to say at age 47, we are closer than ever.  I spend a lot of time cultivating and nurturing those closest to me so my dearest friends are family in my book.  We have a nephew and two nieces we love and hopefully one day we will get to see more of them.  We currently live in WA state due to my husband’s job and all of our family members are in SC, NC, and VA.

Family includes who you choose to have in your life, regardless of bloodlines and the number of children you have.  People who judge you for your lifestyle choices are not your friends.  There are more and more couples choosing to only have one child simply for economics and some families are child-free for various reasons.  No one should judge a family for having thoughtful family planning.  Too many people in this world  give having children too little thought sometimes and have too many children.  There is so much abuse and neglect of children in the world today and that is truly truly sad.

My family includes my husband, our animals and other relatives and friends so I have never felt like I don’t have a family just because we chose not to have any kids.

Live and let live…. love and accept all.  To me that is the way of Christ!

I love the bumper sticker:  “God Bless the Whole World, No Exceptions”

Don’t let others who question your choice to have one child get to you.

by K.R. Pinkston

“Why do you only have one child? Don’t you know that only children have it harder?”

These questions from neighbors and well-meaning friends hurt. They don’t know that I have kept the manufacturers of pregnancy tests in business over the past years.

Nevertheless, I do not blame them. After all, my friend from elementary school is an only child, and I remember that I pitied and, at times, envied her. The adults around me pointed out that all single children are selfish, socially inept and spoiled. I took these stereotypical beliefs with me into adulthood, not knowing that my way of thinking would be tested.

After we got married, we did not have children right away. I needed to get used to the military way of life, and I wanted to finish my degree before we embarked on the long road of parenthood. That road started with the birth of our son.

I loved being a stay-at-home mother. In retrospect, I do not know exactly why we did not try to have a second child soon afterward.  Maybe I thought that we could not handle the upcoming move to an overseas duty station with two little ones. Why rush? After all, we had plenty of time to expand our family of three.

September 11, 2001 changed our lives. My husband’s frequent training, trips and long days cut our family time. Like many other military spouses I had become a single mother overnight. We talked about having another child. Soon. Not now, when everything was so busy and so uncertain. We would wait a few more months. No hurry.

This wait turned into years. After an unexpected 14-months deployment, he reported for another duty station far away from us. During that time he found out that he had contracted tuberculosis. Not contagious; yet, he needed to take medications. When we finally lived together again, it was summer of 2004. Now we would have our second, and maybe a third, child.

But it did not happen. Some doctors blamed his medications.

“Just relax,” another doctor told us. “You’ve been pregnant before, and your body knows what to do.”

After another move, we tried fertility drugs. No second child. The doctors blamed our age. What I did not tell the doctors was that I blamed myself. Why had we not tried to have another child before 2001? Why had we waited? We so much longed for another child. What had we done to deserve this?

We missed our opportunity to have another child. Now we would have a selfish, socially inept and spoiled only child.

“Why don’t I have a brother or sister? Why am I by myself?” Our son wanted to know.

I was honest with him, explaining every time that we had wanted to have other children. When he was in second grade, he came home one day, saying that he was the only child in the class who did not have a sibling.
“I’m sorry,” I said, swallowing hard to push down the feeling of inadequacy. “I wish I could change it.”

He shook his head. “Well, don’t. It’s fine. Really. Because you can cuddle up with me every night and read a book together. Makayla said her mom never reads with her at night because it wakes up the twins.”

That exchange forced me to look at the facts. I had focused only on the negative aspects and forgotten that raising a single child has many advantages. It was time I changed my perspective.

This did not happen overnight. Each day I worked at seeing opportunities rather than misfortune. One advantage of having a single child is that I have time to talk with him and share a variety of activities without interruption from other siblings. Sure, he lacks the companionship of another sibling; yet, his friends make up for it. Contrary to my stereotypical beliefs and fears, our son turned out to be very social, extroverted and happy.  Also, when he is at home he has learned to occupy himself.

A few days ago, we went together to Rome. Perhaps this would be an example of spoiling our only child, but I see it as taking advantage of being stationed overseas and expanding his education. The same is true for extra curriculum activities. Since I do not have other kids to drive to different sports or activities, he can pick and choose according to his special interests.

Yes, I wanted to have a second child, but I cannot change our past decisions, let alone world events.  It is no good to lament over the past. Everything happens for a reason even if it took me a long while to understand that reason. Although we missed the opportunity to have another child, I do not want to miss the opportunity to raise our single child in a loving family – even if our family is small. I am more grateful now, and I also do not take blessings for granted.  I am thankful that we have one healthy child who keeps me on my toes. Raising a single child is a gift.

by Karen Wilson-Dooley

This week, I will turn 49 years old – just one year shy of the big 5-0! My one-and-only child Andrea will turn 29 a week later, and next year she will also observe a milestone birthday. I imagine that we will either join together to celebrate life or commiserate with each other on growing older. It’s always at this time of year that I reflect back to 1980 when I prepared to give birth to what I hoped to be my first of two children.

As fate would have it, or what I personally refer to as God’s Will for my life, I was blessed with only one child. I was not always happy with God’s choice in the matter, but it took me years to realize that God ‘really’ did know what He was doing.

My husband and I, like the average American couple, planned on having at least two children. As a matter of fact, we tried for five years to bring another life into this world. That dream was snuffed out when I turned 26 years old. I was at work one day when I began to hemorrhage. After a quick trip to the emergency room and a D&C to try and stop the bleeding, my gynecologist rendered a diagnosis of endometrial hyperplasia, a condition in which the lining of the uterus thickens and eventually sheds, causing vaginal bleeding to occur. It can potentially be a precursor to cancer in some women.

I was overweight, diabetic, did not have regular menstrual periods, and suffered from polycystic ovary syndrome – all of which led to this condition. The doctor also found pre-cancerous tumors on the cervix and advised that a hysterectomy was the only option at the time. The hemorrhaging could not be brought under control and surgery was scheduled to take place rather quickly, allowing no time to think or adjust to the idea of what was happening to me.

As a 26-year-old wife and mother of one, who longed for another child, it was just as much – or even more – mentally traumatizing as it was physically distressing to face having my womb removed from my body. I was suddenly hit with the stark reality of finality – the fact that I would never again conceive and give birth to another child – my second of two that would complete our family. At this time, my small family was complete. We had come as far as we ever would in number in only six short years of marriage.

I felt great physically following surgery, but I slipped into depression and grieved for several years over the loss of having another child. This all took place when my circle of friends and family were regularly adding children to their households. At a time when I should have been happy for them, I was jealous and felt sorry for myself. I even grew bitter at God, wondering why He chose to cast this terrible curse on me.

No one really understood me – they could not possibly know how I felt because they were not going through the same thing. Even my husband did not understand. He actually admitted that he was relieved. That certainly did not help me through the grief process. I resented him for his honesty.

I was able to work through the mental healing process as time passed. I cannot say that anything miraculous happened that led me to accept the situation. There was no epiphany of what God had in store for my life. I simply believe that through prayer and determination to move forward with my life that I began to heal and realize that God had a reason for this, as well as a plan for my future. It was not my choice to raise an only child, but it was my choice to be happy with God’s decision for my life. Somewhere in the midst of my sadness, anger, and self-pity, I hit a turning point and never looked back.

As Andrea grew up, I filled my time with things that I enjoyed and quickly saw my situation as an advantage over my friends and family who had babies and toddlers under foot restricting them in ways that I was not. Having an only child suddenly became a positive aspect in my life – and even more so as time passed. Once Andrea started school, I was able to pursue my career and personal interests, work on my education, and start my own company – things I may have otherwise never been able to do.

I became very involved in Andrea’s life early on – school, cheerleading, church activities, and other events. Opportunities opened up for her as an only child to do more with her own life, as well. We actually grew up together – she, her dad, and I. Looking back over the years, I recall that although she was an only child, she was rarely ever alone. Our home was always filled with her friends and cousins – and music and laughter. We never took a trip that Andrea did not take a companion along. It was more like having a pool of sisters to select from – another advantage for an only child.

As an adult, Andrea’s life is overflowing with activities, fun, and challenges with young men and women she considers to be her brothers and sisters – and all of whom refer to Larry and me as mom and dad. While I did not give birth to more than one child, I find my life is now filled with more grown kids than I know what to do with! I am truly blessed!

Karen Wilson-Dooley is an accomplished freelance writer and businesswoman who divides her professional time between creating marketing content for businesses, crafting resumes for individuals, and developing her creative writing career through a variety of online and offline publications. In addition, Karen is a wife, mother, and artist who enjoys quilting, sewing, beading, and scrapbooking. Contact Karen at kwdooley@comcast.net.

This story was submitted by one of my customers at Beaded Royalty, Catherine Filbeck.  Thanks Catherine!

As a mother of an only child (my son is 17) I have to say that I agree with everything on this website - especially the mythbusters. My son is extremely social (not the least bit shy), gets along fine with everyone, and he never had an imaginary friend (although I did and I had a brother). I think some of the stereotypes that are associated with only children are more of a personality issue than having anything to do with being an only child. He is a bit spoiled but that is no one’s fault but my own - that’s an environmental issue. You can have a house full of spoiled children. He does seem a bit domineering at times - but again, is that a personality issue? I prefer to see it as natural leadership abilities that will aid him later in life.

My son has two friends that are only children and their personalities are completely different - one is somewhat shy and introverted, the other one is completely diplomatic & very friendly- he is always the peacemaker among the group and he is very self confident and not the least bit swayed by peer pressure. I am noting this to further illustrate the fact that all children are different, with different personalities, upbringing, etc. It’s ridiculous to me when people try to stereotype children according to whether they are only children or not.

Whatever the case, people should never be motivated by guilt to have another child. I was forever being asked if I was going to have another one with some people even telling me how wrong I was for only having one. They were wrong. My son and I have always been very close and at the same time he is very independent. He told me one thing he has always been assured of is how much I love him. He also said that assurance has gotten him through some tough times. It’s just like that song they always play at graduations that makes me cry - “let my love give you roots and help you find your wings”. That’s our job as a parent - to give them a strong foundation and let them become who they are meant to be. That will happen regardless of how many you have if you are a dedicated parent. For me however, I found I had more to give (of everything) by only having one. I have NEVER regretted having only one - honestly!

This story was submitted by Donna Bowness-Belyea of Trinity on the Ocean. Thanks Donna!

I had a wonderful childhood as an only child. People think that you have to have siblings to be happy. WRONG………….If you have great role models, as I had you can be joyously happy and grow up a very secure, well-rounded child. People seem to think you are a spoiled brat when you’re an “only”, no so……I was brought up quite strictly and as I look back now, I realize much more so than most of my multiple family friends. No only do you get all the attention, but when you do something wrong you have no one to blame.

My parents were very loving, sharing, and affectionate….both to me and others.  Let me give you just a little insight into what I mean. My freshman year in high school, I had a group of friends that were always at the house and we loved to go to the ball games together. My Dad was a successful building contractor in our area and so he bought a 10 passenger station wagon to take us all to the games and did so for all four years. The rest of the girls were from multiple families and I feel he was able to do this because he didn’t have to raise other kids. Generosity was a description of my parents in every sense of the word. They were generous with their love, time, help, monies, education. Being an only, it was easier for them to help me with studying,for their time was concentrated on me. When it came to college,it was still easier for their funds only had to go in one direction. All around it seemed easier, even to the point that I loved it so much and could see how being an only child was wonderful that I had an only child myself.

If you ask me if being an only child and raising an only child was something I’d recommend, I’d say yes. Is that selfish? No, it’s not, I knew my limits, I had heard the bickering from siblings of others for years of all my friends,and seen the strains on the wallets of the parents and decided one was enough to raise and be able to give her all the love and attention I had .

Donna Bowness-Belyea
http://www.trinityontheocean.com/

This story was submitted by the site owner, Alicia E Staz.

I suppose my story should have been the first one, but life happens to be crazy right now. How can life be crazy for a stay-at-home mom with only 1 child, you ask? Here’s how…I am a medical writer from home ~20 hours a week, I own a very busy retail website Beaded Royalty, I write for my Handmade Sterling Jewelry Blog, and (last but CERTAINLY not least) I take care of a little girl who is the same age as my son 4 days a week.

All of that said, raising my son to be a well-balanced adult is my top priority. Joshua is only 2 1/2 so I don’t have much history or experience at raising an only child. However, I have read several books about the subject and am committed to learning everything I can. I will add the books to the resources section this week so you can benefit from them as well.

The first and most obvious thing I do for my son is to take care of another child his age - Brynn is an only child too. I can’t tell you the number of times I have been asked “are they twins?” when I am out with them. I have to say “no, but they sure act like it!”. They play like siblings and fight like siblings. After all, they have been together since Joshua as 7 months and Brynn was 9 months. They are both “onlies” but neither knows it. They have to share, get along when they don’t necessarily feel like it and go places together. The room in my house that Brynn sleeps in is “Brynn’s Room.” I plan to take care of Brynn until they are both in school to allow them to benefit from each other’s company.

Brynn’s mom jokes that she pays me to have a playmate for Joshua. However, on days when they are both in bad moods and bickering all day, I would GLADLY trade places with her and return to corporate America. LOL

This story was submitted by Caren Cohen of DJ Baby. Thanks Caren!

I’m an only child. At 35 all I have heard all my life is how I don’t ‘seem’ like an only. I truly think the difference was having lots of opportunities to socialize all my life. My parents made sure I had lots of play dates, did after school activities etc. Also when I was older (9) I started sleep away camp. Being in a bunk with 10 other girls for a month at a time taught me to share, take care of myself, and made me very independent.

There is nothing at all wrong with having an only child. Each family is a choice. Any child who is raised in a wonderful loving environment will flourish. I never thought I missed out on anything, I never knew what there was to miss out on!

Caren Cohen
www.djbabyclothing.com
Original Clothing for Original Kids

This story was submitted by Anne Clark of Usborne Books. Thanks Anne!

While having just one child wasn’t my initial plan, it was clearly the Universe’s plan, and I wouldn’t trade our family of three for anything!

After 4 years of trying, tests, and treatments, we conceived via assisted insemination with injectable fertility drugs - yea, that was fun. NOT!! Our son, Eric, is the greatest blessing of our lives - however, our marriage nearly didn’t survive. Neither my husband nor I want to get on that fertility ‘roller coaster’ again.

Eric is now 8 1/2, and he is kind, independent, affectionate, bright, and funny. He’s got his dad’s sensitivity and my sarcasm. The three of us make a great team. Each of us gets alone time, time as a family, and one-on-one time with each other. Eric & I have coffee dates, play games, and share a Webkinz obsession. He & Dad play video games, go on bike rides, and talk about cars. Dad & I get quiet reading time and occasional Date Nights.

At this point, I feel a baby would throw off the entire dynamic. Occasionally I wish I could be pregnant again - I loved it the first time! - or I yearn for a baby to hold. Then I spend a few hours with my toddler niece, and though I love every minute, I’m happy to return to my calmer, less chaotic world. At this point, I don’t want to ’start over’ - night feedings, baby proofing, a completely dependent child…

And Eric understands that giving him a sibling would mean a lot of stress on all of us, and it would take away a lot of our our time, energy, and money that goes to other things now. We’re a happy trio, and we’re all grateful for that.

Thank you for drawing attention to the fact that being an only child is not a bad thing, nor are only children spoiled & selfish brats!

Anne Clark, Independent Educational Consultant
Usborne Books at Home
www.BestFamilyBooks.com