I am 52. Yes, it surprises me too!

My son is 7, adopted and an only child. Life is wild!

When I say wild, I don’t mean my life is chaotic and out of control. I mean it’s fun, busy, challenging, heart warming and humbling. Several times a day my son makes me proud, makes me laugh out loud, makes me angry and makes me feel inadequate.

When I was a teenager I wanted 6 children. Three of my own and 3 adopted. As I matured, married, didn’t get pregnant, and started to understand the financial realities of  raising and adopting children, I ended up with only one.

Parenting is challenging regardless of how many children you have. The difference lies in what the challenges are.

If I had 3 children I would have to worry about affording all the Christmas presents each of my children truly wants. With 1 child, I am concerned with how much is enough and not spoiling him.

If I had 3 children and one needed a diaper change, one was crying about his boo boo knee and one was sulking behind his bedroom door, I would wonder if all my children were getting all of the love and attention they needed all the time. With 1 child, I worry about being overbearing and not giving him enough emotional space.

With 3 children the complaint is, “Why can’t I have a room of my own?” With 1 child the complaint is, “Why can’t I have a brother to share my room?”

I could make this list much longer, but I think you get the idea. It’s not what life’s parenting challenges are, it’s how we solve them that counts. Everyday I pray for guidance in being the best parent I can possibly be. I ask the Lord for the right answers to my son’s questions, for patience, understanding, a heart full of love and joy and a body full of energy. Then I thank God for the wonderful blessing he bestowed on me. My one and only child.

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Elaine Stephen is a work at home Christian Mom who writes true stories and original poems on her blog Inspirational Christian Stories, Poems, Gifts at http://inspirationalgifts.blogspot.com. Elaine also sells inspirational gifts that express God’s word, Christ’s sacrifice and inspire Christian love, comfort and joy from her Inspirational Gift Gallery web site at http://storesonline.com/site/inspirationalgift. Finally, Elaine is a Scriptures business team member at http://scriptures.cc/162984.

Tonight a friend came over.  Spencer is 9 (several years older than Joshua) and the younger of 2 children.  They had so much fun running around the house.  First they played with the completed Lego ships and then they played “Laser Tag”.  Joshua had no clue what “Laser Tag” was and was happy to follow Spencer’s directions.  Spencer who is the younger one at home was thrilled to be “teaching” Joshua a new game.   Joshua was happy to have someone to run and laugh and be silly with (besides mom and dad).

I am so blessed to have Joshua.  I could have read all the negative press about only children and tried for more children.  I am actually glad I didn’t.  Joshua completes our family.  He is a happy, well-balanced child and I thank God for him every day.

• I am a perfectionist who likes my house clean, organized and relatively quiet.
• I like life to be predictable – children by nature are not.
• While I have many friends, only a few people know me well.
• One of my best friends has parties with 100+ people.  My perfect gathering is less than 15.

My son is such a great kid.  He’s smart, well-balanced and funny.  I hear about people who have a second child because their first was so easy.  Inevitably, they end up with a wild-child.  I am no longer willing to take that risk.  How many kids = happiness for me? One.

As far as being an only child versus having brothers and sisters…  I grew up independent, unafraid of spending time alone, and comfortable around adults as well as kids.  I always had a couple of best friends with whom I was close with like sisters.  I don’t remember feeling lonely or “different” as an only.  My best friend as a child was an only too.  There have been times in life I wondered what it would have been like but in my case, I feel it was all for the best.  My husband grew up with one sister and they are not particularly close as adults.  So, having a sibling does not guarantee lifelong companions or protect one from loneliness, etc…

I feel that people who judge or question others for having one child only need to get a life and get some manners.  First, it is none of anyone’s business…period.  Secondly,  there are a many good reasons for choosing only to have one.  My husband and I chose not to have children at all.  If other women choose to ostracize me for not being a mother, then that is THEIR problem.  I have had wonderful “sister-like” friends all my life and am happy to say at age 47, we are closer than ever.  I spend a lot of time cultivating and nurturing those closest to me so my dearest friends are family in my book.  We have a nephew and two nieces we love and hopefully one day we will get to see more of them.  We currently live in WA state due to my husband’s job and all of our family members are in SC, NC, and VA.

Family includes who you choose to have in your life, regardless of bloodlines and the number of children you have.  People who judge you for your lifestyle choices are not your friends.  There are more and more couples choosing to only have one child simply for economics and some families are child-free for various reasons.  No one should judge a family for having thoughtful family planning.  Too many people in this world  give having children too little thought sometimes and have too many children.  There is so much abuse and neglect of children in the world today and that is truly truly sad.

My family includes my husband, our animals and other relatives and friends so I have never felt like I don’t have a family just because we chose not to have any kids.

Live and let live…. love and accept all.  To me that is the way of Christ!

I love the bumper sticker:  “God Bless the Whole World, No Exceptions”

Don’t let others who question your choice to have one child get to you.

“Why do you only have one child? Don’t you know that only children have it harder?”

These questions from neighbors and well-meaning friends hurt. They don’t know that I have kept the manufacturers of pregnancy tests in business over the past years.

Nevertheless, I do not blame them. After all, my friend from elementary school is an only child, and I remember that I pitied and, at times, envied her. The adults around me pointed out that all single children are selfish, socially inept and spoiled. I took these stereotypical beliefs with me into adulthood, not knowing that my way of thinking would be tested.

After we got married, we did not have children right away. I needed to get used to the military way of life, and I wanted to finish my degree before we embarked on the long road of parenthood. That road started with the birth of our son.

I loved being a stay-at-home mother. In retrospect, I do not know exactly why we did not try to have a second child soon afterward.  Maybe I thought that we could not handle the upcoming move to an overseas duty station with two little ones. Why rush? After all, we had plenty of time to expand our family of three.

September 11, 2001 changed our lives. My husband’s frequent training, trips and long days cut our family time. Like many other military spouses I had become a single mother overnight. We talked about having another child. Soon. Not now, when everything was so busy and so uncertain. We would wait a few more months. No hurry.

This wait turned into years. After an unexpected 14-months deployment, he reported for another duty station far away from us. During that time he found out that he had contracted tuberculosis. Not contagious; yet, he needed to take medications. When we finally lived together again, it was summer of 2004. Now we would have our second, and maybe a third, child.

But it did not happen. Some doctors blamed his medications.

“Just relax,” another doctor told us. “You’ve been pregnant before, and your body knows what to do.”

After another move, we tried fertility drugs. No second child. The doctors blamed our age. What I did not tell the doctors was that I blamed myself. Why had we not tried to have another child before 2001? Why had we waited? We so much longed for another child. What had we done to deserve this?

We missed our opportunity to have another child. Now we would have a selfish, socially inept and spoiled only child.

“Why don’t I have a brother or sister? Why am I by myself?” Our son wanted to know.

I was honest with him, explaining every time that we had wanted to have other children. When he was in second grade, he came home one day, saying that he was the only child in the class who did not have a sibling.
“I’m sorry,” I said, swallowing hard to push down the feeling of inadequacy. “I wish I could change it.”

He shook his head. “Well, don’t. It’s fine. Really. Because you can cuddle up with me every night and read a book together. Makayla said her mom never reads with her at night because it wakes up the twins.”

That exchange forced me to look at the facts. I had focused only on the negative aspects and forgotten that raising a single child has many advantages. It was time I changed my perspective.

This did not happen overnight. Each day I worked at seeing opportunities rather than misfortune. One advantage of having a single child is that I have time to talk with him and share a variety of activities without interruption from other siblings. Sure, he lacks the companionship of another sibling; yet, his friends make up for it. Contrary to my stereotypical beliefs and fears, our son turned out to be very social, extroverted and happy.  Also, when he is at home he has learned to occupy himself.

A few days ago, we went together to Rome. Perhaps this would be an example of spoiling our only child, but I see it as taking advantage of being stationed overseas and expanding his education. The same is true for extra curriculum activities. Since I do not have other kids to drive to different sports or activities, he can pick and choose according to his special interests.

Yes, I wanted to have a second child, but I cannot change our past decisions, let alone world events.  It is no good to lament over the past. Everything happens for a reason even if it took me a long while to understand that reason. Although we missed the opportunity to have another child, I do not want to miss the opportunity to raise our single child in a loving family – even if our family is small. I am more grateful now, and I also do not take blessings for granted.  I am thankful that we have one healthy child who keeps me on my toes. Raising a single child is a gift.