The Only Child Option

by Karen Wilson-Dooley

This week, I will turn 49 years old – just one year shy of the big 5-0! My one-and-only child Andrea will turn 29 a week later, and next year she will also observe a milestone birthday. I imagine that we will either join together to celebrate life or commiserate with each other on growing older. It’s always at this time of year that I reflect back to 1980 when I prepared to give birth to what I hoped to be my first of two children.

As fate would have it, or what I personally refer to as God’s Will for my life, I was blessed with only one child. I was not always happy with God’s choice in the matter, but it took me years to realize that God ‘really’ did know what He was doing.

My husband and I, like the average American couple, planned on having at least two children. As a matter of fact, we tried for five years to bring another life into this world. That dream was snuffed out when I turned 26 years old. I was at work one day when I began to hemorrhage. After a quick trip to the emergency room and a D&C to try and stop the bleeding, my gynecologist rendered a diagnosis of endometrial hyperplasia, a condition in which the lining of the uterus thickens and eventually sheds, causing vaginal bleeding to occur. It can potentially be a precursor to cancer in some women.

I was overweight, diabetic, did not have regular menstrual periods, and suffered from polycystic ovary syndrome – all of which led to this condition. The doctor also found pre-cancerous tumors on the cervix and advised that a hysterectomy was the only option at the time. The hemorrhaging could not be brought under control and surgery was scheduled to take place rather quickly, allowing no time to think or adjust to the idea of what was happening to me.

As a 26-year-old wife and mother of one, who longed for another child, it was just as much – or even more – mentally traumatizing as it was physically distressing to face having my womb removed from my body. I was suddenly hit with the stark reality of finality – the fact that I would never again conceive and give birth to another child – my second of two that would complete our family. At this time, my small family was complete. We had come as far as we ever would in number in only six short years of marriage.

I felt great physically following surgery, but I slipped into depression and grieved for several years over the loss of having another child. This all took place when my circle of friends and family were regularly adding children to their households. At a time when I should have been happy for them, I was jealous and felt sorry for myself. I even grew bitter at God, wondering why He chose to cast this terrible curse on me.

No one really understood me – they could not possibly know how I felt because they were not going through the same thing. Even my husband did not understand. He actually admitted that he was relieved. That certainly did not help me through the grief process. I resented him for his honesty.

I was able to work through the mental healing process as time passed. I cannot say that anything miraculous happened that led me to accept the situation. There was no epiphany of what God had in store for my life. I simply believe that through prayer and determination to move forward with my life that I began to heal and realize that God had a reason for this, as well as a plan for my future. It was not my choice to raise an only child, but it was my choice to be happy with God’s decision for my life. Somewhere in the midst of my sadness, anger, and self-pity, I hit a turning point and never looked back.

As Andrea grew up, I filled my time with things that I enjoyed and quickly saw my situation as an advantage over my friends and family who had babies and toddlers under foot restricting them in ways that I was not. Having an only child suddenly became a positive aspect in my life – and even more so as time passed. Once Andrea started school, I was able to pursue my career and personal interests, work on my education, and start my own company – things I may have otherwise never been able to do.

I became very involved in Andrea’s life early on – school, cheerleading, church activities, and other events. Opportunities opened up for her as an only child to do more with her own life, as well. We actually grew up together – she, her dad, and I. Looking back over the years, I recall that although she was an only child, she was rarely ever alone. Our home was always filled with her friends and cousins – and music and laughter. We never took a trip that Andrea did not take a companion along. It was more like having a pool of sisters to select from – another advantage for an only child.

As an adult, Andrea’s life is overflowing with activities, fun, and challenges with young men and women she considers to be her brothers and sisters – and all of whom refer to Larry and me as mom and dad. While I did not give birth to more than one child, I find my life is now filled with more grown kids than I know what to do with! I am truly blessed!

Karen Wilson-Dooley is an accomplished freelance writer and businesswoman who divides her professional time between creating marketing content for businesses, crafting resumes for individuals, and developing her creative writing career through a variety of online and offline publications. In addition, Karen is a wife, mother, and artist who enjoys quilting, sewing, beading, and scrapbooking. Contact Karen at kwdooley@comcast.net.

This story was submitted by one of my customers at Beaded Royalty, Catherine Filbeck.  Thanks Catherine!

As a mother of an only child (my son is 17) I have to say that I agree with everything on this website – especially the mythbusters. My son is extremely social (not the least bit shy), gets along fine with everyone, and he never had an imaginary friend (although I did and I had a brother). I think some of the stereotypes that are associated with only children are more of a personality issue than having anything to do with being an only child. He is a bit spoiled but that is no one’s fault but my own – that’s an environmental issue. You can have a house full of spoiled children. He does seem a bit domineering at times – but again, is that a personality issue? I prefer to see it as natural leadership abilities that will aid him later in life.

My son has two friends that are only children and their personalities are completely different – one is somewhat shy and introverted, the other one is completely diplomatic & very friendly- he is always the peacemaker among the group and he is very self confident and not the least bit swayed by peer pressure. I am noting this to further illustrate the fact that all children are different, with different personalities, upbringing, etc. It’s ridiculous to me when people try to stereotype children according to whether they are only children or not.

Whatever the case, people should never be motivated by guilt to have another child. I was forever being asked if I was going to have another one with some people even telling me how wrong I was for only having one. They were wrong. My son and I have always been very close and at the same time he is very independent. He told me one thing he has always been assured of is how much I love him. He also said that assurance has gotten him through some tough times. It’s just like that song they always play at graduations that makes me cry – “let my love give you roots and help you find your wings”. That’s our job as a parent – to give them a strong foundation and let them become who they are meant to be. That will happen regardless of how many you have if you are a dedicated parent. For me however, I found I had more to give (of everything) by only having one. I have NEVER regretted having only one – honestly!

This story was submitted by Donna Bowness-Belyea of Trinity on the Ocean. Thanks Donna!

I had a wonderful childhood as an only child. People think that you have to have siblings to be happy. WRONG………….If you have great role models, as I had you can be joyously happy and grow up a very secure, well-rounded child. People seem to think you are a spoiled brat when you’re an “only”, no so……I was brought up quite strictly and as I look back now, I realize much more so than most of my multiple family friends. No only do you get all the attention, but when you do something wrong you have no one to blame.

My parents were very loving, sharing, and affectionate….both to me and others.  Let me give you just a little insight into what I mean. My freshman year in high school, I had a group of friends that were always at the house and we loved to go to the ball games together. My Dad was a successful building contractor in our area and so he bought a 10 passenger station wagon to take us all to the games and did so for all four years. The rest of the girls were from multiple families and I feel he was able to do this because he didn’t have to raise other kids. Generosity was a description of my parents in every sense of the word. They were generous with their love, time, help, monies, education. Being an only, it was easier for them to help me with studying,for their time was concentrated on me. When it came to college,it was still easier for their funds only had to go in one direction. All around it seemed easier, even to the point that I loved it so much and could see how being an only child was wonderful that I had an only child myself.

If you ask me if being an only child and raising an only child was something I’d recommend, I’d say yes. Is that selfish? No, it’s not, I knew my limits, I had heard the bickering from siblings of others for years of all my friends,and seen the strains on the wallets of the parents and decided one was enough to raise and be able to give her all the love and attention I had .

Donna Bowness-Belyea
http://www.trinityontheocean.com/

This story was submitted by the site owner, Alicia E Staz.

I suppose my story should have been the first one, but life happens to be crazy right now. How can life be crazy for a stay-at-home mom with only 1 child, you ask? Here’s how…I am a medical writer from home ~20 hours a week, I own a very busy retail website Beaded Royalty, I write for my Handmade Sterling Jewelry Blog, and (last but CERTAINLY not least) I take care of a little girl who is the same age as my son 4 days a week.

All of that said, raising my son to be a well-balanced adult is my top priority. Joshua is only 2 1/2 so I don’t have much history or experience at raising an only child. However, I have read several books about the subject and am committed to learning everything I can. I will add the books to the resources section this week so you can benefit from them as well.

The first and most obvious thing I do for my son is to take care of another child his age – Brynn is an only child too. I can’t tell you the number of times I have been asked “are they twins?” when I am out with them. I have to say “no, but they sure act like it!”. They play like siblings and fight like siblings. After all, they have been together since Joshua as 7 months and Brynn was 9 months. They are both “onlies” but neither knows it. They have to share, get along when they don’t necessarily feel like it and go places together. The room in my house that Brynn sleeps in is “Brynn’s Room.” I plan to take care of Brynn until they are both in school to allow them to benefit from each other’s company.

Brynn’s mom jokes that she pays me to have a playmate for Joshua. However, on days when they are both in bad moods and bickering all day, I would GLADLY trade places with her and return to corporate America. LOL

This story was submitted by Caren Cohen of DJ Baby. Thanks Caren!

I’m an only child. At 35 all I have heard all my life is how I don’t ‘seem’ like an only. I truly think the difference was having lots of opportunities to socialize all my life. My parents made sure I had lots of play dates, did after school activities etc. Also when I was older (9) I started sleep away camp. Being in a bunk with 10 other girls for a month at a time taught me to share, take care of myself, and made me very independent.

There is nothing at all wrong with having an only child. Each family is a choice. Any child who is raised in a wonderful loving environment will flourish. I never thought I missed out on anything, I never knew what there was to miss out on!

Caren Cohen
www.djbabyclothing.com
Original Clothing for Original Kids