The Only Child Option

by Bernice Sorensen

I am an only child and for the last ten years I have been collecting stories from adult onlies about their experience of growing up and living their life as an only. My own experience convinced me that even today being an only child carries a stigma. There is a lot of evidence that the negative only child stereotype affects parents of onlies demonstrated in press articles – but what about only children themselves? How does it affect them? The popular opinion, espoused by researchers such as Toni Falbo, is that there is no marked difference between only children and those with siblings – but is this what only children actually believe, experience or feel.

It is true to say there is a wide spectrum of thought about this amongst onlies but one message is clear many onlies feel different and experience a sense of lack in not having a sibling both as a child and as an adult. In particular they are affected adversely by the only child stereotype particularly when parents feel they are afraid in case they ‘spoil’ their child. However many are also very happy with the advantages being an only gives them materially. Like everything else there are pros and cons for having or not having siblings. I would never suggest anyone have a child just to provide a sibling but I also believe, from my research and my profession as a psychotherapist, that siblings do provide a great deal of emotional and social opportunities that can be lacking in families where there is only one child. Probably the biggest danger in single child families is enmeshment with the parents leading to difficulties in separating psychologically from the family system.

If you want to read more about only child experience go to www.onlychild.org.uk

By Elaine Stephen

I am 52. Yes, it surprises me too!

My son is 7, adopted and an only child. Life is wild!

When I say wild, I don’t mean my life is chaotic and out of control. I mean it’s fun, busy, challenging, heart warming and humbling. Several times a day my son makes me proud, makes me laugh out loud, makes me angry and makes me feel inadequate.

When I was a teenager I wanted 6 children. Three of my own and 3 adopted. As I matured, married, didn’t get pregnant, and started to understand the financial realities of  raising and adopting children, I ended up with only one.

Parenting is challenging regardless of how many children you have. The difference lies in what the challenges are.

If I had 3 children I would have to worry about affording all the Christmas presents each of my children truly wants. With 1 child, I am concerned with how much is enough and not spoiling him.

If I had 3 children and one needed a diaper change, one was crying about his boo boo knee and one was sulking behind his bedroom door, I would wonder if all my children were getting all of the love and attention they needed all the time. With 1 child, I worry about being overbearing and not giving him enough emotional space.

With 3 children the complaint is, “Why can’t I have a room of my own?” With 1 child the complaint is, “Why can’t I have a brother to share my room?”

I could make this list much longer, but I think you get the idea. It’s not what life’s parenting challenges are, it’s how we solve them that counts. Everyday I pray for guidance in being the best parent I can possibly be. I ask the Lord for the right answers to my son’s questions, for patience, understanding, a heart full of love and joy and a body full of energy. Then I thank God for the wonderful blessing he bestowed on me. My one and only child.

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Elaine Stephen is a work at home Christian Mom who writes true stories and original poems on her blog Inspirational Christian Stories, Poems, Gifts at http://inspirationalgifts.blogspot.com. Elaine also sells inspirational gifts that express God’s word, Christ’s sacrifice and inspire Christian love, comfort and joy from her Inspirational Gift Gallery web site at http://storesonline.com/site/inspirationalgift. Finally, Elaine is a Scriptures business team member at http://scriptures.cc/162984.

My husband and I both went to public school.  We each got a good education and subsequently got good jobs.  There is certainly nothing wrong with the public school system as evidenced by our experience.  That being said, we have decided to send our only child to private school.  We feel private school offers just a little bit more than public school and it is is worth the expense. Having 1 child makes it more attainable…sending multiple children to private school can be like paying another mortgage.

He has been going to a PK3-12 private school for the last 2 years. We are very pleased with the administration, the program and the teachers at Harrisburg Academy.  The teachers and administration really care about his growth and development.  They are able to pay attention to his individual needs because the teacher-to-student ratio is 1:8 as opposed to 1:17 (national average).  I have had his teachers point things out I didn’t realize or reaffirm things I had noticed because they spend a full 7 hours a day with him.  They see them interact with other students and teachers on a daily basis while I only see him in his most comfortable place (at home).

He has made so many friends with different kinds of children (some shy like he is, some outgoing, some impish, etc).  There is no bullying in the classroom or on the playground.  The administration has no tolerance for it.  This is important to me as I experienced bullying as a child and could have gone my whole life without it.  I hear so many stories from friends whose children tell stories of “the class bully” or “I was bullied today on the playground” that it breaks my heart.  When 2 teachers are watching 100 children, they can hardly keep it from taking place.

He has opportunities to learn things that are not available in a public school setting.  He started Spanish in Jr Kindergarten.  He took lessons in violin. The end of school concert was a little hard to listen to without cringing (LOL!), but the fact that he knows how to hold a violin, stand on stage and perform is a great experience for him.

The downside to private school is that the kids in the neighborhood are not ready-made-friends.  Kids get to know each other while they are waiting at the bus stop.  I drive Joshua to school and while he has lots of friends there, they live all over the Central PA area and it isn’t as easy for them to get together to play.  Sure I can schedule play-dates, but it is a lot easier for him to go out to play in the yard with the neighbors than drive across town.  If your child or children are going to private school, keep that in mind.  Either strongly encourage them to go outside and make friends or accept the responsibility for getting together with other parents outside the neighborhood.  Now I need to go schedule a play-date!

Well, I promised to post daily for 30 days and I am not being as faithful as I hoped.  Silly me for thinking I would have plenty of time on my hands when I went part-time.  I am spending more time with Joshua (my ultimate goal) but I think I increased the expectations on myself and so I still feel like I am constantly running to catch up.

I try to be honest about only child parenting.  Most of the time I write about positive experiences since most of my experiences are positive (I am a little biased).  However, this weekend has been challenging and I thought I would write on the trials of only child parenting.

My son Joshua needs a little more attention than some only children.  He has amblyopia – neurological lazy eye.  It means that his left eye is not being utilized by his brain – his right eye is 20/20 and his left eye is 20/200. We have until he is around 7-years old to get his brain to use his left eye or he will not have sight in his left eye or depth perception for the rest of his life (he’s 5 1/2).  He is being treated by an excellent ophthalmologist.  The treatment is either patching or putting dilating drops in the good eye to force his brain to use the weak eye. Recently, he went to wearing a patch on his good eye 3 1/2 hours a day.  Imagine having 20/200 vision.  The doctor put a glass over my eye once so I would know what Joshua is experiencing. Ugh!  On top of that, he has to do things that use his close-up vision because that works the brain the best.  Consequently, he needs “help” with almost everything he does.  If he is building with Legos, he needs help finding pieces, if he is coloring, he needs help finding colors, etc.  I also read to him, we play board games, etc.  In short, he needs concentrated attention.  I have found myself thinking more than once over the last few days that I wish I had another child so I could tell them to go play.  I know there are other challenges that go along with having multiple children but it would be nice to have a ready playmate for Joshua right now.  Would I change my situation for anything in the world?  Nope, not even for a ready-playmate, but thought has crossed my mind recently so I thought I would share.

Anyone have similar experiences and want to comment?  I have opened comments to readers as long as your register, so feel free to share your thoughts.

 By Amelie Veegaet

I am questioning whether or not I should have another child. My first child Rose (now 3) was born with multiple birth defects.  I have never been able to find stories from families who decided to stop after one child because their first was born with medical issues. I feel our family is complete, but I feel pressure from Rose’s beloved grandmother. Grandma was a single child who says she suffered greatly from it.  I wonder if the fact that Grandma was adopted by a depressed and mentally ill woman did not have a greater impact on her suffering as a child.  Grandma would love for Rose to have a brother or sister and doesn’t miss an opportunity to remind us of how much better life would be for Rose if she had a sibling.

Each of my coworkers’ pregnancies triggers jealousy. I am not really sure why – I have two siblings, but we were never close. I am the oldest, and was in charge of taking care of them when they were kids. My mom received the same kind of pressure to have multiple children from her mom who was the oldest of 7. At the age of 20, tired of taking care of my siblings, I left the beautiful country of France where I was born and never went back. I maintain a good relationship with my mom and I am convinced that the long distance has something to do with it. : )

I love having a single child because of all the fun things I do with her that I didn’t do as a child. I like to discover books, music and art with her. I have taken the time to teach her French and she is now bilingual. She takes gymnastics and ballet lessons.

Our situation is a bit different because of the medical issues we deal with on a regular basis. When someone asks us why we are not trying to conceive, I feel like telling them to come and take care of Rose for a day. Maybe they would understand after 24 hours of handling a trach, gastrostomy tube, 13 doctors and surgeons, therapies…it is a full time job. Rose has a wonderful nurse that stays at home with her. I work full time and I need it – I feel refreshed when I go home at night. I love my job and it keeps me going, but I love my daughter more than anything else. I have fought for her to survive with all my soul. I feel like adding another child to the equation would throw me over the edge. But I want to turn down the jealous and guilty voices in my head. It is not easy…