By K.R. Pinkston

“Why do you only have one child? Don’t you know that only children have it harder?”

These questions from neighbors and well-meaning friends hurt. They don’t know that I have kept the manufacturers of pregnancy tests in business over the past years.

Nevertheless, I do not blame them. After all, my friend from elementary school is an only child, and I remember that I pitied and, at times, envied her. The adults around me pointed out that all single children are selfish, socially inept and spoiled. I took these stereotypical beliefs with me into adulthood, not knowing that my way of thinking would be tested.

After we got married, we did not have children right away. I needed to get used to the military way of life, and I wanted to finish my degree before we embarked on the long road of parenthood. That road started with the birth of our son.

I loved being a stay-at-home mother. In retrospect, I do not know exactly why we did not try to have a second child soon afterward.  Maybe I thought that we could not handle the upcoming move to an overseas duty station with two little ones. Why rush? After all, we had plenty of time to expand our family of three.

September 11, 2001 changed our lives. My husband’s frequent training, trips and long days cut our family time. Like many other military spouses I had become a single mother overnight. We talked about having another child. Soon. Not now, when everything was so busy and so uncertain. We would wait a few more months. No hurry.

This wait turned into years. After an unexpected 14-months deployment, he reported for another duty station far away from us. During that time he found out that he had contracted tuberculosis. Not contagious; yet, he needed to take medications. When we finally lived together again, it was summer of 2004. Now we would have our second, and maybe a third, child.

But it did not happen. Some doctors blamed his medications.

“Just relax,” another doctor told us. “You’ve been pregnant before, and your body knows what to do.”

After another move, we tried fertility drugs. No second child. The doctors blamed our age. What I did not tell the doctors was that I blamed myself. Why had we not tried to have another child before 2001? Why had we waited? We so much longed for another child. What had we done to deserve this?

We missed our opportunity to have another child. Now we would have a selfish, socially inept and spoiled only child.

“Why don’t I have a brother or sister? Why am I by myself?” Our son wanted to know.

I was honest with him, explaining every time that we had wanted to have other children. When he was in second grade, he came home one day, saying that he was the only child in the class who did not have a sibling.
“I’m sorry,” I said, swallowing hard to push down the feeling of inadequacy. “I wish I could change it.”

He shook his head. “Well, don’t. It’s fine. Really. Because you can cuddle up with me every night and read a book together. Makayla said her mom never reads with her at night because it wakes up the twins.”

That exchange forced me to look at the facts. I had focused only on the negative aspects and forgotten that raising a single child has many advantages. It was time I changed my perspective.

This did not happen overnight. Each day I worked at seeing opportunities rather than misfortune. One advantage of having a single child is that I have time to talk with him and share a variety of activities without interruption from other siblings. Sure, he lacks the companionship of another sibling; yet, his friends make up for it. Contrary to my stereotypical beliefs and fears, our son turned out to be very social, extroverted and happy.  Also, when he is at home he has learned to occupy himself.

A few days ago, we went together to Rome. Perhaps this would be an example of spoiling our only child, but I see it as taking advantage of being stationed overseas and expanding his education. The same is true for extra curriculum activities. Since I do not have other kids to drive to different sports or activities, he can pick and choose according to his special interests.

Yes, I wanted to have a second child, but I cannot change our past decisions, let alone world events.  It is no good to lament over the past. Everything happens for a reason even if it took me a long while to understand that reason. Although we missed the opportunity to have another child, I do not want to miss the opportunity to raise our single child in a loving family – even if our family is small. I am more grateful now, and I also do not take blessings for granted.  I am thankful that we have one healthy child who keeps me on my toes. Raising a single child is a gift.