I received an email a few months ago from Alan, an adult only child, who felt my presentation of only child parenting was incomplete.  While I personally feel that having an only child is the best thing for my family and can be a GOOD thing for any family, I do acknowledge that there are important things to keep in mind as you raise an only child.

Here are some only-child stereotypes from the perspective of an only child:

  1. Spoiled - this can be a natural consequence for any only child. They do, by definition, get all the goodies - presents, holidays, the lot. I know I benefited greatly from this; I’ve had private tutors when I needed them, I had relatively few restrictions on what books, computers and gadgets I could have, and I have been to over half a dozen countries.  I have since learned that these are privileges, not rights and I feel guilty for being greedy at times.
  2. Can’t share - the absence of sharing can be fundamental to the only-child experience. To put it bluntly, children with siblings learn how to share out of necessity. When you have siblings, you can’t take it for grated that your things will be left untouched when you’re away. Having playmates does not always accomplish the same thing since you can seek the refuge of home where you don’t have to share.
  3. Overprotected - only children get more attention and protection because their parents’ attention is not divided. Siblings learn how argue, push, shove, and fight in a safe environment.
  4. Domineering - only children never experience living with other individuals of equivalent power.  They don’t have the opportunity to test the limits of their control in a safe environment.
  5. Lonely - the most painful part of being an only child for me is that all my parents expectations, dreams, and desires are resting on my shoulders.  As a only child you can feel like an outsider, especially during holidays.
  6. Self centered - all babies think they’re the center of the universe. When you have siblings you realize at an early age that there are other people on your level. If parents don’t make an effort to help an only child understand there are others who must be considered, the shock can be significant.

From the perspective of an only child, here are some things I think that can improve the only child experience:

  1. LET YOUR KID BE A KID! Through circumstances outside my parents control I had to take charge and be responsible at a very early age.  This meant I didn’t have the opportunity to be a kid during my childhood and teenage years.  Do everything possible to allow your child to ‘hang out’ with kids their own age - both sexes - even if you feel like you’re running a free child-minding service.
  2. Never tell your child what occupation they should choose. Your child has enough pressure without feeling like they have to choose the career you picked for them.  Thank God my parents didn’t expect me to become a lawyer or doctor or I’d have jumped off a building a long time ago.
  3. Never tell your child when they are small the reason you didn’t have more children is because of a difficult pregnancy.  The guilt will crush them. (My father held off telling me until I was 15 that the reason I didn’t have siblings was that my mother had two miscarriages before having me.)
  4. I’m torn right now about the single-sex schools which I attended.  Granted, I did learn more academically, but I never learned how to interact with girls which I’m trying desperately to learn now.
  5. Get decent life and disability insurance and let your child know as soon as they can understand what this means. There is no worse fear for an only child then the prospect of having to care for a sick or dying parent on their own. My own parents worry me enormously. I knew very early in life that if anything were to happen to either of my parents everything would come down to me. The fear of being unable to take care of them gives me a very low tolerance for risk.

I know my comments seem harsh, but I don’t think I will never be ‘normal’ as a result of being an only child. I don’t entirely blame my parents, but if I could turn back time and have a little sister I would do it in a flash.

Thank you for your input, Alan.  As I said above, I truly feel that in today’s society, we can raise healthy, happy only children that will benefit greatly from being singletons.